Twenty-One Years Gone

(for D., gone but not forgotten)

(March 8, 1957 - January 1, 2000)

Introduced by another sociopath I had the misfortune to know in November 1975, D. wielded svengali-like control over me for some time. After a while it was control by fear.  There was physical, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.  But I covered it up - knowing no one back them would believe me thanks to D.'s smear campaigns.  Back then I knew nothing about sociopaths, brainwashing or trauma bonding.

When we first met and he took me out he was very charming and came on VERY strong.  I found out later he didn't believe I had a boyfriend in high school. When he found out I did (the boyfriend wrote me all the time and came to our college to visit me.  D ran into us in the college dining hall) he freaked out. I later learned that D. had taken off with his parent's credit card for a motel in town (off-campus) and holed up there getting high and railing about me for 2 days when my ex-boyfriend came to visit me... The ex-boyfriend he 'swore' I didn't have. After that person left me high and dry he kept up with his stories that I never had a boyfriend before and was obsessed with him.

D also disbelieved all the stories about the town I lived in as the persecutorial fantasies of some "crazy" upstate girl.  I overheard and knew many fellow students believed him and laughed at me 'behind my back.'  Yeah, I knew. In my sophomore year, people from my high school joined us at  college and D. got the same stories from them. He was stunned but undetered in his campaign to make sure I was a laughing stock and that no one else got involved with me.

Even more frustration came from him being one person in private with me, and completely another around others.  In private, he loved me, wanted to marry me, never accounted for his lies, and so on.  He couched the abuse as love.  In public, he was center of attention and I was obsessed with him and a liar.  Every single bit of his public personna was projection.  The Jekyll and Hyde insanity I now know is classic  Sociopathic behavior.  The Intermittent Reinforcement was the hallmark of control and brainwashing.

D. seemed to be ever present. My cognitive dissonance was frightening.  He was one of the first guys who accused me of being 'obsessed' with him. I didn't know what projection was at the time. He continued saying this right up to the day he died - despite the fact I was married, with children and saw him once maybe 4-5 times after moving to NYC.  If I had dinner with him, within a week or two I'd hear that my husband was gay, I didn't love my husband and I was trying to get back with him.  I answered very few of his calls.

His values were shallow and superficial. His parents liked me -- but in private, D. abused me every way he could. And then terrorized me into silence.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't promiscuous. I can count on one hand my intimate encounters and not run out of fingers. I don't believe in sex without some sort of emotional bond. At least what I believed was a bond -- on my part.  In late 1976, an acquaintance of D's admitted he & I'd 'been together'. When D. saw me a couple weeks later I was walking into his dorm room to say hi; out of the blue he threw me into a closet. When I slammed into the back wall I thought he'd broken my arm. He'd definitely broken my spirit.

A couple years later, I moved off campus and was doing my best to maintain cordial distance from D. I had other male friends (just friends) who'd advised me and were somewhat aware of what he was and what he was doing to me.  I had no boyfriend though I did have a relationship going. Quietly. VERY quietly. D. came by my house one evening when I was alone and after a few drinks, he got me alone... and pushed me into a door jam so hard blood filled my throat. I ended up in the ER. I never saw a bill.  Senior year I'd often wake up with him sleeping next me.  He just came up to my room and got in bed with me.  Creepy but I was terrified to say anything and I'd all but stopped trying to get anyone to believe me.

How did I still have affection for this person? Probably trauma bonding. But I do think that despite D. being a sociopath, there were a few times when he was honest & vulnerable with me. And he probably was very angry that he was.

The final validating moment came 2 days before graduation. I'd had one of my numerous parties at my apartment. The day after, girls who were at the party stopped by early to help me clean up. Together. I felt like an intervention was coming. After about 20 minutes they all asked me to "please sit down." It turned out these girls had all dated D. sometime in the 4 years we'd been there.

Without missing a beat, all of them told me he was "obsessed with me" despite his claiming the same about me. (projection) He had Polariods of me around town or at school. I found out he had a journal where he went on 0; on - albeit disjointedly -- about me. Much of it highly delusional.  If I had known it was that bad -- I would have probably had a heart attack years before. Everyone of these girls told me - "get away from him and don't look back."

When I moved to NYC he called the person I was staying with less than 24 hours after I got there. Thank goodness my roommate knew the score on him and put D. off.

All that said, I cried when I heard he died. Cancer literally crushed his heart. Here was a person who had a personality disorder and was not capable of any love other than destructive self-love... someone who was incapable of the true depth and capacity life can give to the fully engaged. A sociopath with no soul... who died as he lived. A professional actor. With all the attention and none of the feeling.  His karma bus had finally pulled in.

Wherever he is now, I hope he knows the healing of mind & spirit he so desperately needed.

This song always makes me think about D. - CLICK HERE