The Shame of it All - The Torture of Silenced Victims

This is what happens when abuse victims (ANY kind of abuse, and any religious or cultural background) are silenced!:

By SUSAN EDELMAN and KIRSTEN FLEMING

A Brooklyn newlywed who jumped to his death from a hotel balcony the night after his wedding was tormented by memories of being sexually molested as a Jewish student, sources say.

After joyfully singing and dancing at their lavish celebration in Williamsburg on Nov. 3, Motty Borger, 24, bared his secret anguish to his bride, Mali Gutman, the next day -- and the revelation caused a strain, a source close to the family told The Post.

"That entire day he discussed it with her. He told her the story of his life, how he felt so awful and he couldn't go near her," the source said. The couple had met just last July, after a matchmaker set them up.

"When he got married, he realized he couldn't face up to it, and he told his wife that he needed help."

The stunned bride responded, "So, why did you marry me?"

Borger reportedly answered, "You are absolutely right. It was not right of me to get married."

At 6:45 a.m., while Mali slept, Borger climbed a railing outside their seventh-floor room at Avenue Plaza Hotel and leaped, police say. He died hours later at a hospital.

Friends insist that Borger -- described as fun-loving, smiling and cheerful -- wouldn't take his own life.

"I know Motty, and I know he didn't jump. It was an accident," one said. The rabbi who spoke at his funeral called reports of suicide "wickedness."

A security video at the hotel shows him looking "agitated" in an elevator with his wife, cops said.

The city Medical Examiner ruled his death a suicide. The NYPD is investigating the sex-abuse allegations, said a police official.

A source familiar with the tragedy said Borger had confided in close relatives that he was molested while a teen attending a yeshiva, possibly by a rabbi, but they never went to police.

SOURCE

Major hat tip: DovBear
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The Real Shonda in Revealing Abuse

by Rabbi Mark Dratch
JSafe: The Jewish Institute Supporting an Abuse Free Environment

Victims of abuse are often told by others to keep their secrets. They are warned that making their abuse public would be a shonda (a shame and embarrassment) for the Jewish community, for their families, and for themselves. Even worse, they are told that going public is a hillul Hashem, a desecration of God’s Name. And this warning is used as a tool to silence those who need to speak.

It is unfathomable that concerns for God’s reputation would condemn a victim of abuse to a life of suffering. What really is hillul Hashem, the desecration of God’s Name?
Hillul Hashem and its corollary, Kiddush Hashem (the sanctification of God’s Name), are predicated on the idea that our behavior has consequences. How we act makes a difference. And it matters not only to the people around us and not only to our own reputations, but it matters to God and His reputation as well. Our duty as Jews, as a “kingdom of priests and a holy nation,” is to bring the world closer to a recognition and appreciation of God. We are God's representatives to the world, and all that we do impacts upon how others view Him. We are responsible, through our actions, to make God beloved by others,1 and to glorify His honor in their eyes. Thus, the Torah is concerned about Kiddush Hashem (the sanctification of God's Name) and Hillul Hashem (the desecrating of His Name): "And you shall not desecrate My holy Name but I shall be sanctified amongst the Children of Israel" (Lev. 22:32). Although nothing that we do can violate God's ultimate sanctity, everything we do can affect His Name (read: reputation).

While this discussion will focus on human activity that affects the sanctity of God’s Name, it is worth noting that God Himself is also responsible for His own reputation, and He too is capable of committing both kiddush and hillul Hashem.

Moses convinced God to forgive the Jewish people for the sin of the golden calf by raising the threat that such divine punishment will have on His reputation: “What will the Egyptians say?” And Ezekiel said that it is God who personally desecrated His own Name when He exiled the Jewish people from its land.3

Although the concepts of kiddush Hashem and hillul Hashem are most often discussed in relation to the obligation, in extraordinary circumstances, to sacrifice one's life for the sake of God and His Torah,4 we will focus on the significance of kiddush Hashem and hillul Hashem in less ultimate, yet equally consequential, situations, one's daily conduct, and then turn our attention to its significance in exposing abuse and abusers.

The term hillul comes from the Hebrew root, HLL, meaning vacuum or empty space.5 Forms of the three-letter root HLL refer to a corpse, the desecration of sacred property and the violation of honor.6 By engaging in hillul Hashem, we diminish God’s honor and void the world of His influence.

Hillul Hashem is such a grievous transgression that it is more difficult to atone for it than for any other sin. Not even repentance, the atonement of Yom Kippur, and personal suffering can absolve one of this offense.7 In the past, collective punishment of families and communities was prescribed in order to prevent hillul Hashem.8 And we are taught that should allow oneself to be killed, rather than desecrate the Name of God.9 The only redress for a hillul Hashem may be the performance of kiddush Hashem, an act that will heal the damage done to God and His reputation.10

Of such great concern is the avoidance of hillul Hashem that the Talmud offers radical suggestions for its avoidance, suggestions that have not been accepted as normative Jewish law. 11 Their significance is in their articulation of the profound concern our tradition has regarding the potential hillul Hashem. The Talmudic sage R. Abahu said in the name of R. Hanina, "It is better for a person to violate a sin in private than to desecrate God's Name in public."12 Other Talmudic statements prescribe extreme measures for individuals to follow in order to avoid the public desecration of God’s Name, including stealthily disguising oneself and sinning surreptitiously, and even worshipping idols.13

What constitutes hillul Hashem?
There are five general categories:

1. Kiddush Hashem14 and hillul Hashem find expression in the requirement of martyrdom when one is threatened with death unless he transgresses one of the laws of the Torah. Self-sacrifice for the sake of God sanctifies His Name; failure to martyr oneself desecrates it. While this obligation maintains primarily when one is forced to violate the three cardinal sins of murder, idolatry and consensual, forbidden sexual relations, it calls upon one to sacrifice his life when faced with the forced violation of any mitzvah or Jewish expression during times of organized anti-Torah persecution.15

2. Committing a sin as an act of rebellion (le-hakh'is) is a hillul Hashem, even if committed in private, as it is a defiant rejection of God's authority.16 If such a transgression is committed publicly—in the presence of ten fellow Jews17—it is deemed as the more serious violation of hillul Hashem ba-rabbim (public desecration of God's Name).18 Whereas private transgression affects only an individual sinner's relationship with God and the sway of Torah in his life, public transgression has the added dimension of diminishing God's reputation in the eyes of others. The negative consequences increase geometrically.

3. Committing a sin le-tei'avon, when one is overwhelmed by seemingly uncontrollable appetites, is not in itself an act of rebellion, and does not automatically constitute a desecration of God's Name. However, if such a sin is committed publicly, it does rise to the level of hillul Hashem. As far as an undiscriminating observer is aware, a sin was committed; the circumstances and mitigating factors are unknown to him and are irrelevant.19 Likewise, publicly confessing a sin that is otherwise unknown to others is prohibited.20

4. There are certain sins that, by their very natures, constitute hillul Hashem:21 declaring false oaths or swearing in vain,22 offering one's children to idol Molekh,23 idolatry,24 illicit sexual relations,25 desecration of holy objects,26 mentioning God's Name in vain,27 improperly adjudicating in non-Jewish courts,28 perverting justice,29 cheating in business30 and lying.31

5. Other activities which, although technically not sinful, do constitute kiddush Hashem or hillul Hashem.32 Like those behaviors already detailed above, these, too, impact either positively or negatively on the reputation of God and the esteem in which He and His Torah are held by others, Jew and non-Jew alike.33 These are activities that are judged by others as either notably decent and respectable, or as unseemly and inappropriate. They reflect either favorably or poorly on Judaism and Torah as, through them, others assess Judaism’s role in shaping the conduct and character of the purported representatives of God and Torah. The purpose of restricting those behaviors deemed to be hillul Hashem is not to promote ethical standards qua ethical standards—although that may be a side benefit. The aim is to preserve the respect of the world for Judaism.34 Maharal writes that this obligation can be deduced from the verse “And you shall love the Lord, your God (Deut. 6:5).”

He observes that the Torah need only have written “And you shall love the Lord”. “Your God” is extra and teaches us that one must conduct himself in such a way that “others will acknowledge that He is your God, that His Name is manifest through you, and they come to love Him because of that.” 35

Violation of Ethical Norms is Hillul Hashem
What kinds of activities constitute hillul Hashem? Various rabbinic sources enumerate: failure to pay bills on time; giving the appearance that one is lax in his studies or observance;36 embarrassing one’s colleagues due to the nature of the rumors that are spread about oneself,37 or embarrassing them by the less-than-dignified activities in which one engages;38 engaging in permissible activity which others assume is prohibited;39 being an unsociable, unpleasant or angry individual; degrading the honor of Torah;40 and being unkempt.41 In each of these cases, the conduct of God’s representatives causes themselves and their God to be seen in a less than noble and honorable light.

However, hillul Hashem is not merely defined by objective acts; it is dependent upon the caliber of the individual involved. An adam hashuv, an important, well-known and well-respected person, and a talmid hakham, a pious, learned scholar, are expected by others to live according to strict moral standards — therefore, the greater the desecration when he fails to live up to these expectations.42 His failures reflect positively not only upon his personal reputation, but upon the Torah that he claims to uphold and upon the God he represents.43 Thus, as Abraham set out to the Promised Land, he was troubled lest he cause a hillul Hashem as others might accuse him of abandoning his elderly father.44

While the sources seem to restrict the imposition of higher ethical standards to an adam hashuv,45 one can easily argue that, in our day, each observant Jew is considered an adam hashuv, to one degree or another, vis-à-vis the non-observant community, and that all Jews have such a status vis-à-vis the non-Jewish world. The great R. Israel Meir ha-kohen Kagan, known as the Hafetz Hayyim, once chastised his son for committing an act which, he believed, constituted a hillul Hashem. In response to his son’s protest that these standards do not apply to him because he is not a talmid hakham (Torah scholar), his father responded, “As far as the standards of hillul Hashem are concerned, you are considered a talmid hakham.”

Sefer Hassidim warns that a person should not add additional chumra-ot (stringencies) to his ritual behavior unless he will be consistent in their observance. After all, such adherence to greater strictures in ritual behavior might be seen to imply a higher level of spiritual commitment. One who thereafter violates these self-imposed stringencies commits a hillul Hashem.46

Precisely defining the parameters of hillul Hashem is difficult and is probably best articulated by the standards that the United States Supreme Court set in a different context, “I know it when I see it.” The standards are not objective Torah standards, but, rather, popular ones, shaped by conventional wisdoms and popular opinions. The parameters are subjective and the criteria shift. They depend upon the opinions and values of any particular community at any particular time. Conduct that may appear to the actor to be appropriate, may in fact be a hillul Hashem if it is so deemed by the larger population. Rambam writes that a person should refrain from those activities which are unseemly in the eyes of others, even if in his own eyes they are not unseemly.47 As quoted above, “If one's colleagues are ashamed of his reputation, that constitutes a profanation of the Name.”48

Concern for the opinions of non-Jews
And we are concerned not only about Jewish opinion, but about the biases of non-Jews as well. Thus, when, after saving Lot and the captives of Sodom, Abraham returned the spoils that he recovered to its original owners,49 he is credited with sanctifying God’s Name.50 Abraham asserted that by destroying Sodom and ‘Amora God would perform a hillul Hashem.51 Moses, in pleading for forgiveness following both the sins of the golden calf52 and the acceptance of the evil report of the spies,53 invoked the reaction of the non-Jewish world to the possible destruction of the Israelites.54 And God’s concern over the exile of Jews from the Land of Israel is for the desecration of His reputation in the eyes of the nations of the world.

This concern about the biases of non-Jews finds expression in Jewish law as well. While there are individual authorities who do not extend the biblical prohibition of stealing to property owned by idolaters, the Talmud proves that the prohibition of stealing restricts the stealing of any property, whether owned by Jews or non-Jews.55

Shimon ben Shetah refrained from keeping an object that was lost by a non-Jew lest he be considered a barbarian by the non-Jew. “More than I want all of the money in the world,” he declared, “I want to hear the Gentile say, ‘Blessed be the God of the Jews.’”56

R. Moshe of Coucy, author of SMaG, put it succinctly, “All those who steal from Gentiles are guilty of hillul Hashem for they cause the Gentiles to say ‘the Jews do not uphold the Torah (ein Torah leYisrael)’... and they cause them to say ‘see how God chose for His portion a people of thieves and frauds.’”57 Many authorities who ruled that, as a matter of law, one is not permitted to steal from a Gentile, prohibited it due concerns of hillul Hashem as well. Thus, “stealing from a Gentile is worse than stealing from a Jew because of [the added factor of] the desecration of God’s Name.”58

There is another element of hillul Hashem as it relates to non-Jewish opinion. Sefer Hassidim puts it simply: “If Gentiles don’t do it, Jews should not do it!”59

Real Life Applications in Rabbinic Literature
Practical applications of this concern about non-Jewish opinion can be found throughout rabbinic literature: refusing to testify in a civil court, when such is required by civil law;60 accepting charity from a non-Jew61 because, in accepting the
handout, a Jew degrades himself before him62 and casts aspersions on the Jewish community, implying that it cannot take care of its own;63 64 and disrespectful behavior in the synagogue, including talking during the prayer services.65

Exposing the Hillul Hashem of Abuse
Because of the close relationship between God and His representatives, i.e., the Jewish people, protecting both God’s reputation and the reputation of the Jewish people have become intertwined. At times they are synonymous, and their demands are often confused. Although we are instructed to “expose hypocrites to prevent the desecration of the Name,”66 many have advocated cover-ups of scandals in which Jews are involved because of concerns of Hillul Hashem.67 However, this concern about protecting the reputation of God and the Jewish people by repressing public discussion of behaviors and actions that may be deemed a “shanda”, scandalous and disreputable, may in fact itself be a Hillul Hashem.

First, as we have seen above, unethical behavior in and of itself is a desecration of God’s Name.

It is the abuser and not the abused that has committed Hillul Hashem, and it is those who cover up and silence victims, not those who seek justice and the protection of innocent victims that desecrate God’s Name.

The initial denials and suppression are bad enough. When these efforts are exposed, the scandal is even greater. And all Hillul Hashem will eventually be exposed, despite efforts to keep it hidden.. The Mishnah, Avot 4:4, states, R. Johanan b. Berokah said: Whoever profanes the Name of Heaven in secret, they exact the penalty from him in the open. [In this respect, it is all] one [whether one has acted] in error, and [it is all] one [whether one has acted] with presumption, in [a case where the result is] the profanation of the Name.

Of course, there were cogent reasons for the development of this attitude of self protection by a vulnerable, exposed minority. Historically, invoking hillul Hashem was a way of protecting a Jewish minority from retribution by an anti-Semitic majority in response to the wayward activity of one of its members. Jews were vulnerable and the majority population was often hostile. Acts of hillul Hashem made the Jewish community even more vulnerable.68

Furthermore, when faced with actions that are, in and of themselves, shameful desecrations of God’s Name, there is much precedent not only to allow its exposure, but to require it. Prohibited sha’atnez is forcibly and publicly removed from a person in the street69 following the precedent of the biblical Judah, who, despite the shame he brought to himself, publicly admitted his sin with Tamar, thereby sanctifying God’s Name.70

And if hillul Hashem is creates a godless vacuum in the world and in people’s lives, then the assault that abuse victims suffer not only on their bodies, but on their psyches and their souls, is itself a tremendous hillul Hashem.

Many victims of abuse are exploited first by their Jewish perpetrators and then are betrayed by the reaction of the family and community they thought would help them, nurture them and find them justice. In many cases, these victims lose faith in themselves, in the community and in God. Those who do not reject their Judaism find strength in their faith, despite all that has been done to them. But in many cases victims are disillusioned by the institutions and leaders they thought they could trust. Too many of them abandon mitzvah observance and their connections to the Jewish community are weakened. This is the real hillul Hashem!

Furthermore, there are many who are afraid to speak because of the damage it may do to their reputations, the acceptance of their families in their communities, or the ability of their children or siblings to find appropriate marriage partners. This is the shonda. If the values of our community demand cover-up and silence because of “what the neighbors might say” then those values which prevent victims from seeking help and innocents from being protected from assault need to change.

What are the priorities of our community? These victims are innocent. They did nothing. And they should not have to pay the price and carry the burden of a community that would like to see itself in ways other than it is. If anything, victims and their advocates who do speak out should be admired for their courage in facing up to and overcoming adversity. The hillul Hashem is when the community, proud to be made up of people who are merciful, modest and magnanimous (rahmanim, bayshanim ve-gomlei hassadim)71 has its values wrong.

Circumstances have changed. In democratic countries, Jews are more secure and more respected than they have ever been and their rights are protected by law. In such countries, there is, generally, respect for religious, ethnic and moral diversity. Although individual behavior can evoke critique of a moral and religious system, enlightened people recognize that the failings and faults of individuals do not necessarily represent the community from which those individuals come. Their judgment is tempered by their understanding of the values that a community espouses and, more important, how that community reacts to infractions of its mores. In our day, the greater shonda occurs not when abuse is revealed, but when it is systematically covered up by Jewish leaders and communities.

Conclusion
What enormous power we humans have. What tremendous consequences there are to our actions. What we do matters! Our actions have significant consequences, perhaps beyond our wildest imagination. Improper, indecent, immoral behavior can destroy not only our reputations, but God’s as well. Improper and immoral actions can further victimize those who are victims of violence and abuse, further inflicting their psychological and spiritual well-being.

We can, through speech and deed, through action and inaction, make this world godless. And yet, we have the ability to make it a godly place as well. We can bring people closer to a love of God and closer to feeling God’s love for them. We can help them appreciate the value of Torah and of mitzvot. We can bring the world closer to the time when all people recognize the One God and human society is a complete expression of His will. God’s sanctity and desecration are in our hands. By committing ourselves to decent and moral living it may be said of us, “‘Happy the parent who taught you Torah, happy the teacher who taught you Torah; woe unto people who have not studied the Torah; for this person has studied the Torah, look how fine his ways are, how righteous his deeds! Of this person does Scripture say: ‘And He said unto me: ‘Thou art My servant, Israel, in, whom I will be glorified.’”

REFERENCES & CITES AT ORIGINAL SOURCE - CLICK HERE

COMMON SYMPTOMS OF ABUSE SURVIVORS (excerpted)
Victoria Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC and Gail Roy, MA, ATR, LCPC

1. Low self-esteem, feeling worthless.

2. Fear of abandonment and other abandonment issues.

3. Acting out behavior. Not knowing how to identify, process and or express intense feelings in more productive ways.

4. Unexplained fears of being alone at night, nightmares and/or night terrors. . .

5. Feeling overly grateful/appreciative from small favors by others.

6. Boundary issues: lack of, needing to be in control, power issues, fear of losing control...

7. Eating disorders including: anorexia, bulimia, compulsive over-eating etc...

8. Headaches, arthritis and/or joint pain, gynecological disorders, stomach aches and other symptomology.

9. Unexplained anxiety/panic.

10. Extreme guilt/shame.


11. Obsessive/compulsive behaviors (not necessarily Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder).

12. History of being involved in emotionally, psychological and/or physically violent relationships(emotionally,physically).

13. Memories of abuse in childhood.

14. Poor sexual boundaries, using sex to substitute for "love", acting out,

15. Distorted body image/poor body image.

16. Hypervigilance.

17. History of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships.

18. Depersonalization. Feeling oneself to be unreal and everyone else to be real (or vice versa).

19. Blocking out periods of one's life (usually ages 1-12) or a specific person or place. Blocking out certain incidents.

20. History of multi-victimizations in other forms. (see #12)

21. Extremely high or low risk taking.

22. Obsession with suicide at various times of the year or after triggering events.

23. Wearing layers of clothing, even in the summer - caused by body image issues.