Understanding the Tactics of Abuse

a definition of verbal abuse
- You understand their feelings, but they never attempt to understand yours;

- They dismiss your difficulties or issues as unimportant or an overreaction;

- They do not listen to you;

- They always put their needs before yours;

- They expect you to perform tasks that you find unpleasant, uncomfortable or humiliating;

- You "walk on eggshells" in an effort not to upset them;

- They ignore logic and prefer amateur theatrics in order to remain the center of attention;

- Instead they manipulate you into feeling guilty for things that have nothing to do with you;

- They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/ service/ practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions;

- They never take responsibility for hurting others;

- They blame everyone and everything else for any unfortunate events in their lives;

- They perceive themselves as martyrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment.

- They expect you to "forget" or "let it go" after hurting or traumatizing you, sometimes very badly.

- They expect you to help "cover up"or lie about their abuse of you.

What is Emotional Abuse?
There is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse. Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control. The following are widely recognized as forms of emotional abuse:

Rejecting
- refusing to acknowledge a person's presence, value or worth; communicating to a person that she or he is useless or inferior; devaluing her/his thoughts and feelings. Example: repeatedly treating a child differently from siblings in a way that suggests resentment, rejection or dislike for the child.

Degrading
- insulting, ridiculing, name calling, imitating and infantilizing; behaviour which diminishes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person. Examples: yelling, swearing, publicly humiliating or labelling a person as stupid; mimicking a person's disability; treating a senior as if she or he cannot make decisions.

Terrorizing
- inducing terror or extreme fear in a person; coercing by intimidation; placing or threatening to place a person in an unfit or dangerous environment. Examples: forcing a child to watch violent acts toward other family members or pets; threatening to leave, physically hurt or kill a person, pets or people she / he cares about; threatening to destroy a person's possessions; threatening to have a person deported or put in an institution; stalking.

Isolating
- physical confinement; restricting normal contact with others; limiting freedom within a person's own environment. Examples: excluding a senior from participating in decisions about her or his own life; locking a child in a closet or room alone; refusing a female partner or senior access to her or his own money and financial affairs; withholding contact with grandchildren; depriving a person of mobility aids or transportation.

Corrupting/ Exploiting
- socializing a person into accepting ideas or behaviour which oppose legal standards; using a person for advantage or profit; training a child to serve the interests of the abuser and not of the child. Examples: child sexual abuse; permitting a child to use alcohol or drugs or see pornography; enticing a person into the sex trade.

This is also common in online abuse. Examples: enticing or coercing someone into cybersex or an online affair when you don't care about them; telling someone online that you "love them" when you don't even know them in real life; promising an online friend gifts, trips or money in exchange for lewd pictures or webcam sex; sending procative email, ecards or pictures to someone online; lying to someone online for kicks or fun.

Denying Emotional Responsiveness
- failing to provide care in a sensitive and responsive manner; being detached and uninvolved; interacting only when necessary; running away when the other person is in trouble or danger to protect yourself; ignoring a person's mental health needs. Examples: ignoring a child's attempt to interact; failing to show affection, caring and / or love for a child; treating a senior who lives in an institution as though she / he is an object or "a job to be done."

Emotional abuse accompanies other forms of abuse, but also may occur on its own;

- No abuse - neglect, physical, sexual or financial - can occur without psychological consequences (such as PTSD). Therefore all abuse contains elements of emotional abuse;

- Emotional abuse follows a pattern; it is repeated and sustained. If left unchecked, abuse does not get better over time. It only gets worse;

- Like other forms of violence in relationships, those who hold the least power and resources in society, for example, women and children, are most often emotionally abused;

- Emotional abuse can severely damage a person's sense of self-worth and perception;

- In children, emotional abuse can impair psychological development, including: intelligence, memory, recognition, perception, attention, imagination and moral development; and

- Emotional abuse can also affect a child's social development and may result in an impaired ability to perceive, feel, understand and express emotions.

How Widespread is Emotional Abuse?
Only a few studies provide insight about the prevalence of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is difficult to research because:

- Its effects have only recently been recognized;

- There are no consistent definitions and it is hard to define;

- It is difficult to detect, assess and substantiate; and

- Many cases of emotional abuse go unreported.

A recent study of investigations into child maltreatment found that, in 1993, 10% of investigations alleged emotional abuse.

In 1993, 39% of women in abusive relationships reported that their children saw them being assaulted.

In 1995, the Women's Health Test found that of 1000 women 15 years of age or over:

- 36% had experienced emotional abuse while growing up; 43% had experienced some form of abuse as children or teenagers; and

- 39% reported experiencing verbal/emotional abuse in a relationship within the last five years.

Statistics 1993 Violence Against Women Survey showed that among ever-married or common-law women aged 18 to 65 years, emotional abuse is widespread. The study found that:

- 35% of all women surveyed reported that their spouse was emotionally abusive.

- 18% of women reported experiencing emotional abuse but not physical abuse in a relationship.

- 77% of women reported emotional abuse in combination with physical abuse. In one Canadian study on abuse in university and college dating relationships, 81% of male respondents reported that they had psychologically abused a female partner.

- Chronic verbal aggression ranked as the second most prevalent form of mistreatment following material abuse.

Facts to Consider
Emotional abuse of children can result in serious emotional and/or behavioural problems, including depression, lack of attachment or emotional bond to a parent or guardian, low cognitive ability and educational achievement, and poor social skills.

One study which looked at emotionally abused children in infancy and then again during their preschool years consistently found them to be angry, uncooperative and unattached to their primary caregiver. The children also lacked creativity, persistence and enthusiasm.

Children who experience rejection are more likely than accepted children to exhibit hostility, aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviour, to be extremely dependent, to have negative opinions of themselves and their abilities, to be emotionally unstable or unresponsive, and to have a negative perception of the world around them.

Parental verbal aggression (e.g., yelling, insulting) or symbolic aggression (e.g., slamming a door, giving the silent treatment) toward children can have serious consequences.

Children who experience these forms of abuse demonstrate higher rates of physical aggressiveness, delinquency and interpersonal problems than other children.

Children who see or hear their mothers being abused are victims of emotional abuse.

Growing up in such an environment is terrifying and severely affects a child's psychological and social development. Male children may learn to model violent behaviour while female children may learn that being abused is a normal part of relationships. This contributes to the intergenerational cycle of violence.

Many women in physically abusive relationships feel that the emotional abuse is more severely debilitating than the physical abuse in the relationship.

Repeated verbal abuse such as blaming, ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling, lying to her and humiliation has long-term negative effects on a woman's self-esteem and contributes to feelings of suicidal emotions, uselessness, worthlessness and self-blame.

Threatening to kill or physically harm a female partner, her children, other family members or pets establishes dominance and coercive power on the part of the abuser. The female partner feels extreme terror, vulnerability and powerlessness within the relationship. This type of emotional abuse can make an abused woman feel helpless and isolated.

Jealousy, possessiveness and interrogation about whereabouts and activities are controlling behaviours which can severely restrict a female partner's independence and freedom. Social and financial isolation may leave her dependent upon the abuser for social contact money and the necessities of life.

Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, back and limb problems, fibromyalgia, PTSD and stomach problems.

Women who are psychologically abused but not physically abused are five times more likely to misuse alcohol than women who have not experienced abuse.

Detecting Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse may be difficult to detect. However, personal awareness and understanding of the issue is key to recognizing it. The following indicators may assist in detecting emotional abuse.


Possible Indicators Someone Has Been Emotionally Abused

• depression;
• withdrawal;
• low self-esteem;
• severe anxiety;
• fearfulness;
• aggression;
• irrational and poor decision making;
  
• sleep disturbances;
• physical complaints;
• inappropriate behaviour for age or development;
• overly passive/compliant;
• suicide attempts or discussion;
• extreme dependence;
• underachievement;
• inability to trust;
• other forms of abuse present or suspected;
• feelings of shame and guilt;
• frequent crying;
• self-blame/ self-depreciation;
• delay or refusal of medical treatment;
• discomfort or nervousness around caregiver or relative;
• substance abuse; and
• avoidance of eye contact.

Legal Intervention
Emotionally abusive behaviour such as repeatedly following the other person or someone known to her or him; repeatedly communicating, directly or indirectly, with the other person or someone known to her or him; harassing the other person with telephone calls; besetting or watching the other person's house or place of work; posting untrue information about them on the web and / or engaging in threatening conduct directed at the other person or a member of her or his family is criminal harassment.

These behaviors must cause a person to fear for her or his safety or the safety of someone she or he knows.

Other forms of emotional abuse such as insulting, isolating, infantilizing, humiliating, and ignoring, although serious, are not criminal behaviours and cannot be always be prosecuted.

What Can You Do?
If you are being abused, remember:

-You are not alone;

- It is not your fault;

- No one ever deserves to be abused; and

- Help is available.

If You Suspect/ Know Someone is Being Abused

• Listen;
• Believe;
• Support;
• Let the person know about available support services; and
• Report suspected or known child abuse or neglect to a child welfare agency or the police.

The Psychology of Abusive Men
72% of American suicides are committed by white males; black men prefer homicide. (This suggests white men blame themselves and black men blame others: white neurotics, black psychotics.)

Prisons overflow with men, and juvenile detention centers teem with boys; remedial readers are, in 90% of cases, male, as are those diagnosed with ADD or ADHD Disorder, substance abusers, and the violent.

Rates of injury are three times as high for males.

The lives of men are eroded by frustration, inhibition and perversion.