BARBARA'S TCHATZKAHS

Major H/T - UppityWoman Joan Rivers is many things: Funny lady. Jewelry mogul. Red carpet mercenary. But a terrorist? Can we talk? Rivers, 76, was deemed a danger to national security and booted from a Newark-bound flight in Costa Rica on Sunday by a jittery Continental Airlines gate agent who found the two names on her passport fishy. Her passport reads: Joan Rosenberg AKA Joan Rivers. Rosenberg was her late husband's last name. The "nasty and cruel" Continental gate agent bumped Rivers from the last flight out Sunday and the comedian found herself alone (her daughter, Melissa, flew out to Los Angeles earlier in the day) and with no ATM card and just $100 cash, she said. Rivers' tale of woe put a famous face on travel's new reality - one that leaves many feeling like common criminals. "If I were going to make up an alias, I wouldn't pick Rosenberg. I'd pick Jolie or Pitt," said Rivers, back home Monday in New York with her sense of humor intact....

by Andy Borowitz Responding to the botched terrorism attempt on board Delta flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit, the Department of Homeland Security announced today that it was considering a new rule that would force passengers to fly naked. "They won't be able to hide any powders or liquids, and they'll speed right through security," said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. "This is a win-win." Anticipating complaints from chilly travelers, she said that the Homeland Security Dept. would force the airlines to institute a " Snugglies for Purchase " plan once the aircraft doors are closed. Ms. Napolitano expressed no embarrassment at having ignored a warning from the Delta terror suspect's dad made weeks before the terror attempt: "Our official policy is that we have to be warned by both the mom and dad before taking it seriously." SOURCE