BARBARA'S TCHATZKAHS

As many of you already know, I am not a fan of the current psychobabble 'forgive & forget' model of adult discourse. Some things are unforgiveable.     I am always willing to listen, discuss, open the door to considerate communication that doesn't attack or blame and of course - genuine apology that owns the behavior that caused the rift in the first place. No one should be expected to forgive without repentance by the perpetrator. No one. But blanket forgiveness? Sorry. That, in my humble opinion, is for suckers. excerpts From the political to the persona l, Americans are caught in an orgy of forgiveness. Failure to pardon, we're constantly admonished, will blight our lives. Now a psychotherapist counters that popular claim. You can refuse to absolve your lover, spouse, parent, sibling or friend, she declares, and still be emotionally healthy. Flip to any television station these days and chances are we'll be witness to some dramatic episode of fo...

I'm drawn to work & people that provoke thought for me. Even if I don't agree with it - I take it in because I find I learn more from disagreement, about myself and about the way Hashem works in each of us. I used to read a site called THE DAILY OM. The other day the article du jour was entitled BLAMING OTHERS. At the end it said: We do this by forgiving our parents, even if they have not asked for our forgiveness, so that we can be free. We end the abusive relationship with our partner, who may never admit to any wrongdoing, because we are willing to take responsibility for how we are treated. In short, we love ourselves as we want to be loved and create the life we know we deserve. We leave the resolution of the wrongs committed against us in the hands of the universe, releasing ourselves to live a life free of blame. BULLPOCKY!!! I don't buy it. For many many years I was raised by a parent who abused, used and manipulated me - but I was taught that I HAD to l...

I re-read Alice Miller's latest groundbreaking book THE BODY NEVER LIES . I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness without the abuser or person who's hurt you's full acceptance and owning  of what they did and making amends - isn't possible for me.  Doesn't mean I stay hurt and angry or have no peace of mind - I am simply not able to forgive. I have come to understand that some things simply are not forgiveable. And that forgiving certain things negates my dignity and right to my own feelings. As my friend, the late Kathy Krajco said " you can't forgive a crime in progress ." That is to say, if the abuser hasn't even tried to communicate with me and sincerely & fully apologized -- the crime is STILL in progress. ~~~~ I remember once seeing a cartoon that showed a father examining his young son's report card, which was filled with Ds and Fs. As the father scowled, the boy asked: "What do you think it is, Dad, here...

The Lessons of Yom Kippur I n the Jewish tradition of midrash, there is the expression "davar akheyr," which means "another thing," a story. Rabbis have always told stories as a central part of their teaching. So today, I will tell you a story. It's not my story. But I can relate. Instead, it's a true story from one of my very favorite storytellers, Anne Lamott. This one comes from her book Traveling Mercies. I've abridged it just a little, but it's called "Forgiveness." **** The fruit of forgiveness. Annie says that God was trying to tell her, trying to point out that if she could just step back and allow a little forgiveness into her way of seeing, things would change. It's like that, though, forgiveness. Usually, we have to be forced to give it a try. But whenever we do, for whatever reason we might do it, things change. They always change. Oh, other people might not change. But we change. Our experience of the world changes...

The lack of ritual makes Yom Kippur's power elusive for many. How do we make meaning from the holiest but most daunting day on the Jewish calendar? By Rahel Musleah My friend Anat dreads Yom Kippur. Fasting makes her grumpy, and by morning she already has a headache. Nor does the synagogue setting encourage atonement, meditation or self-reflection for her. As a nonobservant Jew, she says, "my relationship with God is such that I can't even begin to atone for what I do—nor do I want to. What's left are my relationships with other people, and I try to take care of those on a daily basis." Still, says Anat, the strong aura of the day, redolent of childhood and community, draws her to spend Yom Kippur in the synagogue. "If this is a holy day I'll treat it as such and stand with others around me. Every year I think about the millions of people who are doing exactly what I am doing on Yom Kippur. It doesn't matter how secular I am. This is my commitme...

The Meaning of Tu'Bav Our Sages explain: Yom Kippur symbolizes God's forgiving Israel for the sin of the Golden Calf in the desert, for it was on that day that He finally accepted Moses' plea for forgiveness of the nation, and on that same day Moses came down from the mountain with the new set of tablets. Just as Yom Kippur symbolizes the atonement for the sin of the Golden Calf, Tu B'Av signifies the atonement for the sin of the Spies, where ten came bearing such negative reports which reduced the entire nation to panic. As a result of that sin, it was decreed by God that the nation would remain in the desert for 40 years, and that no person 20 or older would be allowed to enter Israel. On each Tisha B'Av of those 40 years, those who had reached the age of 60 that year died -- 15,000 each Tisha B'Av. This plague finally ended on Tu B'Av. Six positive events occurred on Tu B'Av: Event #1) As noted above, the plague that had accompanied the Jews in t...