BARBARA'S TCHATZKAHS

It is therefore the universal Jewish custom – some time before Yom Kippur -- to apologize and seek forgiveness from any friends, relative, or acquaintances whom we may have harmed or insulted over the past year. REPENTANCE Repentance is predicated on wanting to stop the transgression. To achieve this, we must first analyze the dynamics of transgression. How does it happen? There are four stages in the process of transgression: Dormant Active Situation Transgression To illustrate, let's use the example of someone trying to stop smoking. The scene is a man sitting by his desk at the office doing work. He has a history of addiction to cigarettes and has been trying to stop smoking, unsuccessfully, for three months. Let's observe him and see what happens... DORMANT At first the urge for a cigarette is DORMANT. It can be activated at any time but at this point the craving for a cigarette is nothing more than potential energy. ACTIVE The door to our smoker's...

I re-read Alice Miller's latest groundbreaking book THE BODY NEVER LIES . I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness without the abuser or person who's hurt you's full acceptance and owning  of what they did and making amends - isn't possible for me.  Doesn't mean I stay hurt and angry or have no peace of mind - I am simply not able to forgive. I have come to understand that some things simply are not forgiveable. And that forgiving certain things negates my dignity and right to my own feelings. As my friend, the late Kathy Krajco said " you can't forgive a crime in progress ." That is to say, if the abuser hasn't even tried to communicate with me and sincerely & fully apologized -- the crime is STILL in progress. ~~~~ I remember once seeing a cartoon that showed a father examining his young son's report card, which was filled with Ds and Fs. As the father scowled, the boy asked: "What do you think it is, Dad, here...

The Lessons of Yom Kippur I n the Jewish tradition of midrash, there is the expression "davar akheyr," which means "another thing," a story. Rabbis have always told stories as a central part of their teaching. So today, I will tell you a story. It's not my story. But I can relate. Instead, it's a true story from one of my very favorite storytellers, Anne Lamott. This one comes from her book Traveling Mercies. I've abridged it just a little, but it's called "Forgiveness." **** The fruit of forgiveness. Annie says that God was trying to tell her, trying to point out that if she could just step back and allow a little forgiveness into her way of seeing, things would change. It's like that, though, forgiveness. Usually, we have to be forced to give it a try. But whenever we do, for whatever reason we might do it, things change. They always change. Oh, other people might not change. But we change. Our experience of the world changes...

The lack of ritual makes Yom Kippur's power elusive for many. How do we make meaning from the holiest but most daunting day on the Jewish calendar? By Rahel Musleah My friend Anat dreads Yom Kippur. Fasting makes her grumpy, and by morning she already has a headache. Nor does the synagogue setting encourage atonement, meditation or self-reflection for her. As a nonobservant Jew, she says, "my relationship with God is such that I can't even begin to atone for what I do—nor do I want to. What's left are my relationships with other people, and I try to take care of those on a daily basis." Still, says Anat, the strong aura of the day, redolent of childhood and community, draws her to spend Yom Kippur in the synagogue. "If this is a holy day I'll treat it as such and stand with others around me. Every year I think about the millions of people who are doing exactly what I am doing on Yom Kippur. It doesn't matter how secular I am. This is my commitme...

And so, what do you do if you cannot forgive your abuser? What SHOULD you do? Which party is the obstacle to reconciliation here? You or your abuser? What should you do? Just accept it. It's a fact. You cannot really change it: all you can do is delude yourself about it. You can pretend to have "forgiven" your abuser all you want, but there is nonetheless, a state of war between you. It exists whether you admit it or not. This is because your abuser owes you something he or she refuses to pay. The narcissist refuses to even admit what they DID yesterday. He may have punched you for 20 minutes straight, but today he denies that it happened, accusing you of "making things up" or of you being the one who attacked. Since he won't even admit what he did, he is also denying you acknowledgement that it was wrong. That he has wronged you. So, what is there to "forgive," pray tell? He is also denying you a promise and guarantees to stop it. So, how can you ...

The Jewish high holidays -- which end today on Yom Kippur -- are a time when many are called upon to repent and seek forgiveness from others. But in a world where the Internet has increasingly become a way to communicate, some are replacing one-on-one apologies with Facebook and Twitter updates during the Jewish holy days. That concerns Rabbi Jason Miller of Congregation T'chiyah in Oak Park, who sees some using the impersonal nature of the Web as a way to avoid real interaction. He plans to talk about the issue today to his congregation during services on what is known as the Day of Atonement. "We've lost the personal touch," said Miller, who also is the rabbi of Tamarack Camps in Michigan. "There should be an effort, a little challenge to go up to another person and seek forgiveness, to admit our wrongdoing." Miller often uses social media himself and blogs at blog.rabbijason.com, but cautions against overdoing it. He notes one Facebook update he got Frida...

By Carrie Devorah Jewish Women International Magazine published an excerpt from David Berger’s last letter written, 1941, before he was murdered by the Nazis. It stands to consider that David, like many other victims of Nazi degradation, was stripped of his sexual identity, head shaved, dressed in shapeless clothing, then dehumanized with verbal, physical and sexual abuse. When dead, Nazis left their victims, forgotten. David was committed to living eternally. He wrote, “I should like someone to remember that there once lived a person named David Berger.” Victims of other abuses wish to be seen and heard, while still living. Some speak up. Social pressure and religious beliefs step in the way of their allegations being paid credence, so the abuse continues, a tradition, so to speak, passed down within families, even Jewish families, along with recipes for Passover’s French toast, gefilte fish or chicken soup. Victims are reproached with, “he’s a Rabbi/ married family man/ good person,...