BARBARA'S TCHATZKAHS

Writing has always been a personal passion. For years I didn't even dare really do it consistently in dread of bringing down the wrath of my ex who would pick apart and demean everything. When I was younger it was my mother - and I wouldn't write except when I had to because my diaries were opened and made fun of and journals became frustrating when I learned I had to edit myself to keep secrets. Teachers would read my words and evaluate them. But every day what we write & say is being evaluated by the hearts and minds of those who hear them, as well as the One who hears everything. I believe words have energy. In my Torah classes we often discuss how something was written, why it was used once or twice, how the sentence was constructed and its deeper meaning. No matter how many times we read passages, I still find something new in them. And Gematria breaks down the numerical value of words and names to their cosmic elements and energy. How we use language can...

The last few years have been hard for me and its been difficult to get back to my purposeful life - which I have devoted first: to being the mother my children need and deserve and second: to serve God by helping others. I know this is what my murdered therapist would have told me to do. It is what she encouraged me to do, among other things and was my silent cheerleader in everything I did do. Also, it is what she devoted her life to doing - helping others. For some time after her murder I "sat a personal shiva" for the relationship which is now gone, and which I and everyone who knew her, had ripped from them. I stayed and even revisit that grief on occassion. That's exactly what she would have told me to do - take as long as you need and don't let anyone tell you to just "get over it." And I am going on with life. As my beloved Nana (who lost her husband suddenly when she was 48, and her son just 4 years before her death) said - "Keep livin...

Going public about any abuse you have endured can be a very healing and empowering experience. But it takes caution, thought and courage. Before I went public about some of the abuse I experienced in my life I agonized about it. My main reason for doing it was to help others. To validate them so they'd know weren't alone . I did this remembering how alone I felt for many, many years with what went on my life. How isolated I felt and how it had destroyed most of my self-esteem. I realized I would be laughed at, those who exploited me would deny it or call me names, I might look weak, stupid, vulnerable or all three. And my family would be affected. I made very careful choices about what information I wanted to put out and what I didn't. I didn't want my family or anyone else's family hurt. I am adamantly against the concept of revenge. It's immature and silly. And that's not a good reason to do it because its just wrong. As far as my family was...

Like all victims and survivors, I would be lying if I didn't say I have asked "why me?" many times in my life. I fail to see what I ever did to deserve the abuse, smears, lies and cruelty I have endured. I have tried to live an upright life. Unfortunately I am very empathetic -- which makes me vulnerable and have been coerced and manipulated, only seeing the truth when I took off the blinders. I have had good things happen in my life. The biggest being my children, who are the light of my life. But my marriage failed, every relationship I had failed, a couple failed friendships, my health failed... so it is difficult not to see life as a failure. My conversion to Judaism truly feels like the right thing to do. It is difficult because Judaism is family oriented and I really have no family to share things with. But I achieve satisfaction and purpose in helping others. Without the horrendous verbal, physical, sexual and psychological abuse I have endured - I doubt I w...

There's a silence surroundiing me I can't seem to think straight I'll sit in the corner No one can bother me I think I should speak now (why won't you talk to me) I can't seem to speak now (you never talk to me) My words won't come out right (what are you thinking) I feel like I'm drowning (What are you feeling) I'm feeling weak now (why won't you talk to me) But I can't show my weakness (you never talk to me I sometimes wonder (what are you thinking) Where do we go from here (what are you feeling) "Keep Talking" PINK FLOYD/ The Division Bell One of the hardest things I do is to convince other victims to tell their stories. I let them know its o.k. to leave out specifics like names and places to protect innocent parties, but tell. Even in the Jewish community survivors face huge hurdles - mostly by being accused of Loshan Hara . But those of us who try to help these victims know all too often its a "shut up" tactic used by a...

An article I posted: Tempered by Fire - got a tremendous amount of hits and links in. I wrote it early in the morning while my kids were getting ready for school, almost as a 'throw away' post. I got a lot of very supportive and fascinating mail from that post as well... and it made me think. I realize in not trying and just letting my thoughts flow organically (my favorite way of writing) I spoke something about myself. Something that has been true of me for as long as I can remember. My adherence towards altruism. Many times on this blog I have said that through helping others I have achieved a lot of healing and transcendence. I am one of those people who has always done whatever I could to make others feel better. I am now working through therapy, to do for myself as much as a I do for others. I would love to end suffering everywhere but since I can't, I do it for the victims I advocate for and for my friends, who reach out to me. Yes, I do feel their pain . ...

I keep repeating here and on my other blog over & over & over again - abuse (ANY kind of abuse) victims MUST TALK ABOUT THE ABUSE IN ORDER TO HEAL. Talking about the abuse you endured helps get it out of the dark and into the light - where it 'disinfects.' It connects you to everyone else. It gets it 'out of your head' and stops driving you crazy. You start to see that you are not alone, you start to take back your dignity & selfhood. I do NOT mean revenge or ruining someone's life either. I don't mean malicious gossip. I mean TELLING THE TRUTH. Protecting others from being hurt by the abuser, as well as validating that you in NO WAY did anything to 'ask for' or 'go along with' or 'deserve' the abuse. And maybe - you will stop the abuser long enough to admit & see that their behavior has harmed others - and get help for their actions. Healing is an ONGOING process. Anyone who tells you you're bad for talking ab...

As some of you know already, I am going into the hospital and having surgery on Thursday, May 28, 2009. This blog will (I hope) be quiet until I am able to return. Your prayers are needed that what is going to be removed is all benign and that I get through this surgery with minimum pain and return home to my children in better health. I will say this surgery is related to my 43 year struggle with PCOS. Thank you... all.

Mine is being a real friend and not a "yes man." Mine is believing 2 wrongs don't make a right. Mine is not believing in revenge, hate or 'payback.' Even when maybe I should... "A real friend is someone who accept you for you, no strings attached. A real friend is someone who knows all the good and the not-so-good about you and still likes you. A real friend is someone who will do anything to help you in a crisis. A real friend is the person you call to share the happiness of the day or the frustrations of life, and listens though you may have said the same things a hundred times before. A real friend is a person who compliments your personality, challenges your choices, and accepts you regardless of the mistakes you make in life. Real friends are few in ones life and when you find one, return the favor and be a real friend back." Yes my 'blind spot' is believing in and doing anything for my friends (except lying) and people I care about - even ...