BARBARA'S TCHATZKAHS

Going public about any abuse you have endured can be a very healing and empowering experience. But it takes caution, thought and courage. Before I went public about some of the abuse I experienced in my life I agonized about it. My main reason for doing it was to help others. To validate them so they'd know weren't alone . I did this remembering how alone I felt for many, many years with what went on my life. How isolated I felt and how it had destroyed most of my self-esteem. I realized I would be laughed at, those who exploited me would deny it or call me names, I might look weak, stupid, vulnerable or all three. And my family would be affected. I made very careful choices about what information I wanted to put out and what I didn't. I didn't want my family or anyone else's family hurt. I am adamantly against the concept of revenge. It's immature and silly. And that's not a good reason to do it because its just wrong. As far as my family was...

(Remember: October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month) I will keep saying as long as I can type and have breath in my body. Victims need to tell. Victims need to talk about it. The only way they move forward, heal and get validation is to tell. Not 'get over it' or 'just forget about it' or "move on" but to tell and be heard. I have yet to meet a victim that was only interested in revenge. Yes, the thought crosses their minds but I talk them out of it easily. Why? Because for the most part - they want some sort of closure. Closure they won't get from their abuser(s). Usually because the abuser is too busy projecting , blame-shifting and trying to paint themselves (and sometimes their families) as the 'injured party. ' And abusers see themselves as entitled and above reproach. No, the overriding reason I hear for victims to tell - is the hope that the abuser will GET HELP. While the chances of a person who sees nothing wrong with usin...

Many professedly religious communities, Catholics, Jews and Evangelicals - often close ranks around an abuser. Sexual abuser, harrasser, misogynist, wife beater, verbal abuser, exploiter of the vulnerable, etc. This is wrong . It invalidates victims and their families causing untold psychological harm. When the victims speak out they are called LIARS and their stories are minimized by powerful and duplicitous people. Silence about a wrong is COMPLICITY in my book. When you don't speak out about something that's very wrong - you are not being polite, avoiding Lashon Hara or 'minding your own business' - you are being a lemming and enabling more abuse. - Barbara Here's one of my all time favorite quotes: "Powerful and sneaky people use apologies as end runs around repentance. They betray a trust; and, when they have been found out, they say they are sorry for "mistakes in judgment"... They get by only because we have lost our sense of the differenc...

There's a silence surroundiing me I can't seem to think straight I'll sit in the corner No one can bother me I think I should speak now (why won't you talk to me) I can't seem to speak now (you never talk to me) My words won't come out right (what are you thinking) I feel like I'm drowning (What are you feeling) I'm feeling weak now (why won't you talk to me) But I can't show my weakness (you never talk to me I sometimes wonder (what are you thinking) Where do we go from here (what are you feeling) "Keep Talking" PINK FLOYD/ The Division Bell One of the hardest things I do is to convince other victims to tell their stories. I let them know its o.k. to leave out specifics like names and places to protect innocent parties, but tell. Even in the Jewish community survivors face huge hurdles - mostly by being accused of Loshan Hara . But those of us who try to help these victims know all too often its a "shut up" tactic used by a...

I keep repeating here and on my other blog over & over & over again - abuse (ANY kind of abuse) victims MUST TALK ABOUT THE ABUSE IN ORDER TO HEAL. Talking about the abuse you endured helps get it out of the dark and into the light - where it 'disinfects.' It connects you to everyone else. It gets it 'out of your head' and stops driving you crazy. You start to see that you are not alone, you start to take back your dignity & selfhood. I do NOT mean revenge or ruining someone's life either. I don't mean malicious gossip. I mean TELLING THE TRUTH. Protecting others from being hurt by the abuser, as well as validating that you in NO WAY did anything to 'ask for' or 'go along with' or 'deserve' the abuse. And maybe - you will stop the abuser long enough to admit & see that their behavior has harmed others - and get help for their actions. Healing is an ONGOING process. Anyone who tells you you're bad for talking ab...

By Patricia Lefave, Labelled, D.D.(P). The only thing needed to create a scapegoat's distressed reaction is the act of an aggressor with a hidden agenda of domination. If he/she can covertly manipulate a group of people to accept the reality of the situation between him/her and his/her victim as the opposite, and keep the group convinced of it long enough to create enough chaos and pressure to completely confuse the victim, then the result is predictable. The victim's ego structure may well start to break down under the enormous, unrelenting stress, coupled with the inability to either resolve the problem, or escape from the situation. Once the victim has been ''successfully'' invalidated by the abuser and the group that supports and enables him or her, nothing the victim thinks, says, feels or does will be heard as straightforward communication ever again. It will then be heard through the ''interpretive'' filter of the group's beliefs about...

by Robin Stern I was a young girl in the 1950s, when most women stayed home to raise their children. I remember thinking my mother's vision was ahead of her time - I thought her brave, independent, and fearless. She talked often about how women should be more in the forefront and take risks in the community at large, like working in business, going into politics. She told me with great pride stories about her work as a draftsperson during the Second World War, and I basked in her glow when she talked about creating murals for department stores. she especially liked talking about how she designed Christmas murals using Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Around Christmas time - I remember going to the stores to see Rudolf for myself - I thought it was great - I was so proud! So, it was confusing to me when she told me that she had given up many work opportunities after getting married, at the insistence of my dad, who was very clear about his version of husband/wife roles....men worked, ...

By Carrie Devorah Jewish Women International Magazine published an excerpt from David Berger’s last letter written, 1941, before he was murdered by the Nazis. It stands to consider that David, like many other victims of Nazi degradation, was stripped of his sexual identity, head shaved, dressed in shapeless clothing, then dehumanized with verbal, physical and sexual abuse. When dead, Nazis left their victims, forgotten. David was committed to living eternally. He wrote, “I should like someone to remember that there once lived a person named David Berger.” Victims of other abuses wish to be seen and heard, while still living. Some speak up. Social pressure and religious beliefs step in the way of their allegations being paid credence, so the abuse continues, a tradition, so to speak, passed down within families, even Jewish families, along with recipes for Passover’s French toast, gefilte fish or chicken soup. Victims are reproached with, “he’s a Rabbi/ married family man/ good person,...