BARBARA'S TCHATZKAHS

...for Abusive Persons ( this article uses the male gender, abusive personalities can also be female) 1. Admit fully to his history of ANY & ALL psychological, sexual and physical abusiveness. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened. 2. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. He needs to identify the justifications he used, including the ways he blamed you or anyone else, and talk in detail about why his behaviors were unacceptable, without defending them. 3. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a "loss of control." 4. Recognize the effects his abuse has had on you and on your children, and show empathy for those. He needs to talk IN DETAIL about the impact that his abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger, etc. And he needs to do this without feeling sorry for himself or talking about how hard the experience has been for him. 5. Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and...

“MAKING AMENDS” (something for Elul) Phyllis B. Grodsky, Ph.D One day I was with my mother in front of her building when an older man came by. He was carrying a shopping bag full of groceries, and appeared to have difficulty walking. When he saw my mother he changed course, tipped his well-worn cap, and headed straight towards us. He was smiling broadly and about to greet her when she abruptly turned her back, and stiffened her face until it looked ashen. The gentleman waved his hand and went on his way, seemingly unperturbed. I guessed, correctly, that he was her neighbor, Mr. Dutke, a man about her age who was born in Germany. She seemed aggrieved that Mr. Dutke approached her in a friendly manner, and said she wasn’t fooled; she “knew” he was a Nazi. When I asked if she had ever discussed his past with him, she said she hadn’t, but it didn’t matter because she “knew” what he was. My mother clings to opinions like a life raft, as if all would be lost if she were to let go. She doesn’...