BARBARA'S TCHATZKAHS

by theabilitytolove A friend of mine wrote to me this morning and presented a video link to a Dr. Oz episode that discusses Fibromyalgia and the disabling and life threatening effects it has on those who suffer from it. Ironically, it’s not that the illness isn’t real, that makes it life threatening or extremely difficult to cope with by itself, it is invalidation by many physician’s who do not believe in the existence of Fibromyalgia as a true medical illness at all, or it is perceived as a mental illness- a somatic disorder.  The invalidation that patients experience on a regular basis is overwhelming and is a reflection of a serious and devastating picture of what is going on in our country, but also within our medical community, which is a lack of empathy and compassion for those who are truly suffering. Who are truly sick. The consequence of this is that we now live in a country of victimization. My friend was so frustrated that no one in the Fibro community was ...

Today for my birthday - my friends were quite wonderful. But best of all was my children - who made and decorated a cake for me, did a magic show for me and got me thoughtful and lovely gifts that showed they have a tremendous amount of empathy and insight into their mother's character. I always worry that since my divorce as well as being disabled (and the disability is getting worse) I am not able to give my children what they want or be with them as much as they'd like. Of course those are my fears, not theirs. One of my children wrote this for me... it will be one of those MUST SAVE items every Mother has. After 12 years of infertility treatment, and then this particular child having severe 24 hr a day colic for 7 months - proved how worth it every single step of the way was.  And this child, after years of dreaming a big dream and very hard work - was accepted to Bronx Science . And what wonderful people my children are turning out to be. From my child, for my b...

by Kathy Krajco [L]ike little children, narcissists view truth as a relative quantity, not an absolute. People whose thinking is thus screwed up go around talking about "your truth" and "my truth," "your reality" and "my reality." They have conveniently slipped from acknowledging that people have different points of view (and therefore different perspectives) into the logical error that they actually view different objects or events. I mentioned that such people think to determine THE truth by making their version bigger than yours. This is why people whose thinking is thus screwed up go around talking as though truth is determined by popular opinion. For example, here's the typical anti-American's favorite club: The whole world hates you Americans, so you're hateful. (Sorry, Charlie, the people full of hate are the hateful ones.) Anti-Americanism is collective narcissism, and we see the same behavior pattern in individu...

An EXCELLENT piece that needs no additional comments from me - I agree with every word. Been there, done that. By Patricia Lefave, ex mental patient At first, that may seem to ‘make no sense’. It is nevertheless true. What we experience in isolation and which is judged to be our ‘imagination’ is the reality of a semi distant relationship with a group or mob, acting it all out from a few feet away, while the individuals who make up the numbers of that mob perceive themselves as ‘hidden’ from an ‘inferior.’ That role definition, as defined by one of the group members as the starting point of the whole thing, is the original ‘switch’ that gets it all going. If it is not seen or questioned, it is kept going indefinitely. This is one of the most difficult realizations I had to have in this in order to make some sort of ‘sense’ of the experience as a whole. It is especially hard when virtually everyone involved in it fights AGAINST any revelation that would in any way implicate an...

Not with an abusive pathological, it doesn't! Simple Case of Bad Guy Attacking Good Guy by Kathy Krajco Did you ever hear the saying "It takes two to Tango"? That's a common saying here in the United States, at least some parts of it. But I'll bet every language has a figure of speech that means the same thing. It takes two to Tango: That's what you're supposed to say when gossipping about interpersonal problems between two other people. The only interest is in coming to agreement with your gossips on who is to blame for it. Because then you are bestowing judgement on people, and that feels good. The doctrine firmly to be believed is that, no matter what the bad guy did, the good guy is partly to blame. I think this is construed as (of all things) "fairness" = unfairly (arbitrarily) placing blame on a person without one bit of evidence - just this almost religiously held slogan "It takes two to Tango." As in the ballroom danc...

I do. Me. COMMON SYMPTOMS OF ABUSE SURVIVORS Victoria Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC and Gail Roy, MA, ATR, LCPC 1. Low self-esteem, feeling worthless. 2. Fear of abandonment and other abandonment issues. 3. Acting out behavior. Not knowing how to identify, process and or express intense feelings in more productive ways. 4. Unexplained fears of being alone at night, nightmares and/or night terrors. . . 5. Feeling overly grateful/appreciative from small favors by others. 6. Boundary issues: lack of, needing to be in control, power issues, fear of losing control... 7. Eating disorders including: anorexia, bulimia, compulsive over-eating etc... 8. Headaches, arthritis and/or joint pain, gynecological disorders, stomach aches and other symptomology. 9. Unexplained anxiety/ panic. 10. Extreme guilt/ shame. 11. Obsessive/compulsive behaviors (not necessarily Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder). 12. History of being involved in emotionally, psychological and/or physically violent relationships (emotionally...

by Kathy Krajco The victims of narcissists are relentlessly re-victimized by a rationale for blaming the victim called co-dependence. I am still waiting for some evidence or explanation to persuade me that there is such a thing, so I’m still open to the idea. But, sorry, I haven’t heard a single reason to think that there even is such a thing as co-dependence. So, I am very skeptical. I’ll share my reasons for that skepticism, not so much to persuade you as to give you reason for pause, some food for thought. Reason 1 I trust science, including medical science. But not blindly. I know science and have seen enough bad science to have no illusions about the integrity of scientists and doctors. I know that they are just people, as capable of dishonesty as any other people, that they herd, gaining up in groupthink. They mocked Louis Pasteur. They predicted the end of the world by now due to population explosion. They ignored the evidence in favor of a low carbohydrate diet for decades, til...

Disproportional Responses Another great post by my friend, Anna. One I can relate to personally. I had a parent who treated me like this. And we've all dealt with people who used or abused us. The moment we stand up to them, though - watch out!! Heaven forbid WE get angry or hurt! But try to keep in mind the terrorists in our world today and their DISPROPORTIONATE responses while reading this great blog post: by Anna Valerious One of the oft used tools in the narcissist's manipulation toolbox is disproportional response. This technique is highly effective on adults; it is devastatingly effective on children. Any abusive tactic is targeted at one goal: control. The narcissist is consumed with controlling his version of reality which means he must control you in order to maintain a sense of the world as he has defined it. The narcissist attempts to maintain "order" and internal cohesion in himself by shaking up your world. By confusing you, he gets to feel sane. By fr...

A HEARTFELT THANK YOU!!! This weekend my other blog got it's 500,000th hit. That's 1/2 a Million hits in the 6 years since I opened that site to the public. I am honored and awed that so many have found resources and answers there. I am moved often to tears by the thank you emails I get from women & men who found the strength and information they needed to reclaim their lives there. I started that blog in November, 2003 as a way to keep my own personal research on abuse private and out of view from people around me, including my abusive ex. As a voracious reader and a research junkie... I needed answers and I got them. Five years ago I was (for hopefully the LAST time in my life), 'emotionally & psychologically raped' by a narcissistic sociopath. A man who I had cared for more than 1/2 my life and had no idea of his true nature for 27 years. I was left feeling very used & alone with no one to trust. Particularly myself. I made a decision to open this si...

by Anna Valerious Have you noticed that even when you do things right it can be crapped all over and made to be "wrong" by the narcissist? One of the ways they accomplish this is quite simple and can often trip us up without us seeing what got us. Even the most benevolent act can be turned into its opposite by the assignation of bad motives. The narcissist reserves to themselves the right to determine your own mind for you. They will tell you what was really motivating you in order to take away from you the truth, reality or rightness of whatever you have done . It can be an amazingly effective sleight-of-hand. When I think back on my relationship with my narcissistic mother this is one of the things that stands out. My mother takes extreme pride in her ability to "read" people. She has done this for as long as I've known her. Mostly, what that means is that she assumes the worst about someone's thoughts or motivations and proceeds on that as if it is the tr...

by Kathy Krajco Quite a few years ago, I saw a documentary on TV about batterers. Unfortunately, I can’t remember the name of the program or the expert being interviewed, but what he said I think is self evident to anyone who has ever tried to communicate with an abusive person. What was it? He pointed out that in arguments between the victim and the batterer (not beatings, just arguments ), the victim always argued circles around the batterer, beating him hands down. I mean she whupped him. They actually captured examples on film, from counseling offices and even from cameras placed in the home. This should be no surprise. Of course she whupped him to shame. Reason was 100% on her side. He either had to concede her points or be totally irrational and blow back a wall of gibberish and bullshit at her, like a character in a Monty Python skit. Any fair and rational judge of the debate must award the victory to her, by pinning him on every point. If you live or work with a narcissist, you...

Have we all heard about Chris Brown beating up Rhianna? You haven't? Then please come out of your cave because I am about to vent. I have been there and been called all the same names Brown is calling Rihanna as well as being the recipient of the lamest "apologies" ever. Mr. Brown, no matter " what kind of person " Rhianna " really is " or how she's " crazy " or a " scorned woman " - nothing, I repeat NOTHING justifies you beating her up. All bets were off the minute you laid a hand on her. And frankly, we are all getting damn tired of you abusive, manipulative, selfish jerks calling women archaic names just to take the heat off yourself. You're an ABUSER, Mr. Brown... man up and take some responsibility for your actions. And your apology? Let me thank you for yet another great example of NARCISSISM at work. It's meaningless... doesn't take ANY responsibility for your actions... doesn't own or acknowledge ...