Teshuva: The Stages

It is therefore the universal Jewish custom – some time before Yom Kippur -- to apologize and seek forgiveness from any friends, relative, or acquaintances whom we may have harmed or insulted over the past year.

REPENTANCE

Repentance is predicated on wanting to stop the transgression. To achieve this, we must first analyze the dynamics of transgression. How does it happen?

There are four stages in the process of transgression:

Dormant
Active
Situation
Transgression

To illustrate, let's use the example of someone trying to stop smoking. The scene is a man sitting by his desk at the office doing work. He has a history of addiction to cigarettes and has been trying to stop smoking, unsuccessfully, for three months. Let's observe him and see what happens...

DORMANT
At first the urge for a cigarette is DORMANT. It can be activated at any time but at this point the craving for a cigarette is nothing more than potential energy.

ACTIVE
The door to our smoker's office is opened briefly by a co-worker and a wisp of a cigarette passing in the hallway floats invitingly through the opened door and seductively over to the our friend's nostrils. He now begins to think of having a cigarette. The passion has become ACTIVE.

However, he does not smoke in his office and cannot go at the present time to the smokers' lounge set aside down the hallway. He continues working...

Our friend gets up to use the restroom. He's thinking about a cigarette now but the urge is not out of control.

SITUATION
After leaving the restroom he can either turn right and head back to his desk or head left to the smoking lounge. He makes a fateful left turn, (to supposedly speak to a friend) and finds himself moving quickly almost out of control into a SITUATION. In this case the smoking lounge.

The situation is where the transgression can be repeated and where the urge to transgress increases in intensity to unbearable degrees.

TRANSGRESSION
He enters the smokers' lounge and is immediately offered free cigarettes by all his friends. The smell of the freshly ground coffee mixed with tobacco smoke drives his passion for a cigarette into uncontrollable proportions, and before he knows it he is inhaling deeply a robust blend of tar, nicotine and carbon monoxide, wondering if he is ever going to "kick the habit."

Now I ask you the following question:

At what point did our friend lose the battle?

It was not in the smokers' lounge. It was when he turned left instead of right after leaving the restroom. Because even though at that point his forbidden desire was ACTIVE, he could not have fulfilled it because he did not have a SITUATION that afforded him the opportunity to smoke.

What we see from this story is that there are times when our behavior is still in our own hands. And although we may crave that which is forbidden, if we can keep ourselves away from SITUATIONS that afford us the chance to slip into the negative behavior, then we will be spared the transgression.

Not only that, but the urge to transgress, although it may be strong, usually does not reach uncontrollable proportions (impassioned frenzy?) until we are in a SITUATION.

As you can see from the story above, it is difficult to avoid the second stage when our desire becomes ACTIVE, since we live in a world with so much stimuli. But it is rare that a person is placed in a SITUATION against their will. Therefore, the key to overcoming transgression is keeping out of SITUATIONS.

Because of what we have just mentioned, part of breaking the pattern of transgression is to know when and where the transgression is usually performed.

That way, one can avoid situations that make the transgression possible. This is not a cop-out, an escape. Rather it is an effective strategy.

The ultimate goal is that once you are stronger, you can indeed re-enter that same situation -- and not stumble this time.

That is what we call "complete teshuva." That's heroic.


PERSONALLY SPEAKING
You now have to ask yourself three key questions:

Question 1: WHAT? What do you want to change?

Question 2: WHERE? In what location(s) are you most prone to committing this negative act?

Question 3: HOW? How are you going to avoid getting into this potentially negative situation the next time it arises?

GETTING UP AGAIN
Our sages teach us that the difference between a righteous person and a non-righteous person is not "that one makes mistakes and one does not."

Rather, the difference is that the righteous person makes mistakes and refuses to give up. While the non-righteous person gives up after he makes a mistake.

A righteous person can be compared to a baby learning to walk. The baby takes a few steps forward and falls down, only to get up and keep moving again. Imagine if the baby would give up after the first few knocks! He would never learn how to walk!

When we set out to do teshuva, we must know that it is a process that takes time. If you are not getting where you want to be, don't get discouraged!

God knew right from the start that humanity would make mistakes.

Indeed, King Solomon, one of the wisest men of all time, wrote: "There is no righteous person on the land who does good and does not sin" (Ecclesiastes 7:20).

Even if we fail to achieve the desired results, the very fact that we are trying to change is beloved by God.

So when you fall down, remember: It is an essential stepping stone to your eventual success.

Skip the paralyzing guilt. The classical confession, repeated five times during the prayer service, helps us do the inner work to maximize the power of the day.

There once was a draught in the land of Israel. The sages pleaded with God for mercy, but their prayers went unanswered in spite of their sincerity. Finally, Rabbi Akiva prayed, addressing God as Avinu Malkenu: our Father, our King. It was then that rain began to fall, nourishing the parched earth.

Rabbi Akiva's words opened the hearts and souls of not only that generation but also many future ones. We learned to see God not only as a monarch, but also as a loving parent.

One of the most distinct characteristics of a parent/child relationship is its unconditionality. Parents and children may feel alienated, but they can never cease to be linked. On Yom Kippur the opportunity to re-experience God's love for us is greater than it is at any other time. What that means is that God makes it possible to break down the most resilient barrier that we can erect separating us from our Father -- the barrier of sin.

The word "sin" has a terrible reputation. It is associated with paralyzing guilt that reduces our souls to dust. In fact, there are three words in Hebrew that describe "sin" which is really a failure of honest self-expression:

One is chet, which literally means missing the mark.
The second is avon, which means desire.
The third is pesha, which means rebellion.

When we take responsibility for our actions and for the direction that our lives have taken, (even when our decisions were colored by other people or external factors), we can begin to move forward. As long as we deny where we stand today, we will find that we are still there tomorrow.

There is one major obstacle to self-change. The past cannot be re-lived. The patterns that we have allowed ourselves to develop are extremely difficult to break.

How many times do we find ourselves trapped by the insidious, invisible automatic pilot. What frees us from the burden of self-imposed rigidity is God Himself. He is willing to reverse the laws of cause and effect in order to liberate us from ourselves. The one condition that is required is that we take responsibility for our choices, and regret the damage that we have done.

The classical confession is the means that we use to do this. It is said five times on Yom Kippur during each of the silent standing prayers, the "Amidah". Rather than ending our silent devotion by beseeching God to grant us peace, we add the confession before concluding.

By studying this confession, we can do the inner work to maximize the power of the day. Let us look at it carefully.

THE CONFESSION
ASHAMNU: We have become desolate.

We commit ourselves to recognizing that our failures are self-destructive.

BAGADNU: We have betrayed our potential, our families, God Himself.

We can question who we have been in our multifaceted role as a human being and as a Jew? Who have we betrayed? Is it not ultimately ourselves as well as others?

GAZALNU: We have stolen.

This includes not only financial theft, but theft of time, and misleading others into thinking that we are more accomplished than we actually are. This sin is especially damaging in that it reflects the fact that we have rejected the role in life that God has given us.

DEBARNU DOFI: We have spoken with "two mouths" -- we have been hypocritical.

We can confront our fear of rejection, and the dishonesty that we use to "cover ourselves." Who are we afraid of? Why? Should we not be more willing to tackle the reality that confronts us?

HEYVINU: We have made things crooked.

This includes all forms of dishonest rationalizations. Our hunger for decency sometimes is satiable through false justifications. We must remember that even a murderer invariably justifies himself at the time he commits the crime. We must rise above the false self-pity that at times lets us slip into situational ethics.

VIHIRSHANU: And we have made others wicked.

We have forced others into destructive responses. An example of this is a parent who slaps the face of an older child, almost forcing him into loss of verbal (and possibly even physical) self-control.

ZADNU: We have sinned intentionally.

The classical example is lying, in which case there is always full awareness of the factuality of the sin. How could we learn to bring God back into our consciousness when we are blinded by stress and fear?

CHAMASNU: We have been violent.

This includes all forms of taking the law in one's own hands. Almost everyone has fallen into the trap of letting the ends justify the means.

TAFALNU SHEKER: We have become desensitized to dishonesty.

Dishonesty feels "normal" to us. When we live in a time and place where lying is "normal," we can endeavor to envision our spiritual heroes in our shoes.

YATZNU RA: We have given bad advice.

This often is the result of being ashamed to admit ignorance. One of the most beautiful aspects of taking counsel from the Torah sages is their refreshing ability to use the words "I don't know." Committing ourselves to re-introduce this phrase can be life-changing.

KIZAVNU: We have disappointed God, ourselves and others by not living up to our promises.

We tell people that we can be counted upon, when we really mean that we can be counted upon if things work out. When they don't, it is important to ask one's self: Why is it that in situations where integrity and convenience can't coexist, it is always integrity that must be sacrificed?

LATZNU: We have been contemptuous.

We have diminished the importance of people and values that deserve respect. We all know at least one person who makes himself/herself "big" by devaluing others. If that person is ourselves, then we must question the direction that our need for self-esteem takes us.

MARADNU: We have rebelled.

We, in our bottomless insecurity, have found ourselves negatively proving ourselves endlessly both to God and to our fellow man. How many times this year could our lives been spiritually improved, if we didn't have to "teach" anyone a lesson?

NIATZNU: We have enraged people.

We have purposely pushed other people's buttons. We have caused God's anger to be awakened by our self-destructive behavior. We've let our desire for human connection lead us to destructive interactions.

SARARNU: We have turned aside.

We have confronted truth and looked the other way. We have chosen ease over morality.

AVINU: We fallen victim to our impulses.

Would our lives be improved if we learned to not only ask ourselves the question "what" but the question "when"? The desire for instant gratification has financial, physical and emotional implications.

PESHANU: We have broken standards of behavior that we know to be right and then justified this because of our egotism.

Have we not found ourselves justifying bad decisions with lie after lie? Have we not moved forward because to do so would mean tacitly admitting that our present level is not "perfect" enough to gratify our bottomless egos?

TZARARNU: We afflicted others.

Even in situations where harsh words are demanded, whenever we go beyond what is called for, we are accountable for the pain suffered by every unnecessary word. While we may be just letting off steam, our victims may believe every word that we say. The result can be a tragic diminishment of their self-esteem.

KISHINU OREF: We have been stiff-necked.

We have been stubborn and unwilling to redefine ourselves. No matter how wrong we are, we insist that we are right.

RISHANU: We have been wicked.

This includes all forms of physical aggression or financial injustice (such as refusal to repay a loan). When Moses saw his fellow Jew striking another Jew, he called him "rasha." He never used this phrase in any other context.

SHICHATNU: We have been immoral.

This includes all forms of dehumanizing "hunting" members of the opposite sex, or the equally dehumanizing choice of becoming "prey." Do we question why we select a specific image to be the one that we use to let the world know who we are?

TAINU: We have erred.

This, of course, is not a reference to sins that we have done because we weren't aware of better options. This refers to the choice to remain ignorant out of fear or laziness that inevitably leads to making further mistakes. This is a good time to make a solid, defined resolution to learn more. Let it replace the vague realization that time is slipping by.

TIATANU: We have misled others.

We have spread our ignorant assumptions and thereby victimized others.

The purpose of studying this list is not to wallow in guilt. It is to bring us to the point where we can honestly come before God and say, "This is who I was. Help me be who I want to be. Help me find my truest self."

His help is guaranteed. He is our Father, not only our King.

Everybody knows that New Year's resolutions are meant to be broken. But not in Judaism. The High Holidays are the best time of year for real, long-lasting change. The Torah teaches us that it is never too late to change.

Changing for the better is called doing teshuva. The Hebrew word teshuva, which is often translated as repentance, actually means to "return." Return to God. Return to our pure self.

How do people become interested in self-improvement?

People have faults. The faults they have cause them to suffer in some way or another. This suffering limits an individuals freedom and is often painful. Hence, people want to change... to improve. To be free once again.

How does one change for the better? How does one do teshuva?

There are four steps of teshuva:

Regret. To regret what we have done wrong.

Leaving the negativity behind. To stop dwelling on the transgression in thought and action.

Verbalization. To verbally state the transgression

Resolution for the future. To be determined not to let the transgression happen again.

Now let's explain the four steps:

1) REGRET
What is regret and how is it different from guilt?

Well , we all know what guilt is. That uneasy queasy feeling that we have done something terribly wrong that can never be fixed...

But how is regret different?

Here is an example of regret:

An eccentric but wealthy, elderly acquaintance tells you to meet him at 2:30 pm on Sunday afternoon at Starbucks for coffee.

At 2:00 pm you are busy watching a great movie and decide not to show up to the 2:30 meeting.

That evening you find out that this elderly gentleman made the 2:30 appointment with 10 people, you being one of the 10.

Only five out of 10 arrived at the meeting. To each of the five who showed up, your eccentric acquaintance gave a bank check for $50,000 dollars.

Now you know what regret is. The feeling of missed opportunity.

When you find out that you missed out on 50 grand for a stupid movie, you feel regret, not guilt.

When we go against the will of God, the feeling we are supposed to have is regret. What a lost opportunity! We lost a piece of eternity!

2) LEAVING THE NEGATIVITY BEHIND
Imagine a drug addict who arrives at a rehab center for detox treatment. His parents leave him at the entrance and wish him luck after a tearful but hopeful goodbye. Little do they know that their addict son's suitcase is lined with enough cocaine to send a hippo to heaven.

It's not that our addict does not want to change. He really does! He just has not "let go" of the very things that have brought him to the negative state he is now in. Did you ever learn bad habits from a particular roommate and decide that you want to stop being like that? Did you ever try doing it without changing roommates? It's nearly impossible.

"Leaving the negativity behind" means staying away from all of the paths that lead to that negativity. This includes crafting your environment to prevent temptation. And it means staying away from even mere thoughts, which can lead to the obvious next step -- action.

3) VERBALIZATION
Why is it important to say it?

There is a power to saying things as opposed to just thinking about them. Verbalizing a thought brings the idea to a new level of reality, awareness and understanding.

The verbalization that is done after committing a transgression makes one more fully aware of what was done. It therefore heightens the regret and strengthens the resolution not to commit the act again.

This verbalization is not to be done before anyone other than God. Not even your rabbi needs to know about what you have done. It's just between you and your Creator.

4) RESOLUTION FOR THE FUTURE
Make a firm decision not to repeat the negative behavior.

This step can be compared to stepping on the gas! Once you make this resolution, you're really starting to move! Every minute that passes puts miles behind you and the negativity.

You're on your way to becoming the "new you!"


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