DEFINE LOVE
Today is Valentine’s Day – already a warning shot over my bow.
I thought about being in school when I was younger.
Writing those essays.
What does Valentine’s Day mean to you?
Define Love.
Today as I was driving my kids back from school, I watched.
Couples hand in hand.
Flowers, balloons, teddy bears.
That’s fine it all has it’s place, but it dawned on me.
Love.
I have never known what that is.
I am older and divorcing and realizing...
And Love is something very different to me now.
But it hit me.
No one ever looked at me like that.
No one ever treated me like that.
I realized those Walt Disney movies are a lie.
No one is going to wake this Sleeping Beauty.
No one is going to find a glass slipper for my big feet.
No one is going to take me away on a white horse.
I know that.
I would've liked to be Loved.
Really. Genuinely.
Before I crossed over - knew something true.
Have an honest partner.
I don’t feel the NEED to be married.
I felt the need for connection.
I have never had that.
a roof over my head.
children.
I am supposed to feel taken care of.
But I don’t.
There has been no tenderness here.
No understanding.
Just criticism and guilt.
There is no intimacy.
I ached to be held.
I ached to talk to someone and hear their voice.
Listen to their mind.
Feel their soul.
Support their dreams.
Be unconditional.
Feel my heart pound when they come in the door.
See their face light up when they see me.
I look in the mirror and see someone old.
Haggered. Worn. Tired.
Someone who is exhausted.
I wanted to put down being strong
I wanted to put down doing it all.
I wanted to be soft.
I wanted to be compliant.
I wanted.
Now, I am all cried out.
I have been
used
abused
lied to and about
manipulated
played
laughed at
taken advantage of
treated like a pathetic needy girl
beaten
ignored
I have never heard "I love you" from a man who meant it
never.
I used to pray and ask not to be left alone.
I prayed to ask for guidance.
To do the right thing.
Now - I want oblivion.
Since I can’t have it I will settle for nothingness.
I am angry.
I got lied to.
Where were my flowers?
When my children were born there was no “Thank You.”
There was no “I Love You.”
There was someone who came to the hospital,
Flopped into the chair,
And said “I am here” with a great groaning sigh.
When I got sick I got no “It will be alright”
There was no “I believe you.”
There was no “Don’t worry about anything, just get better”
There was no “I love you.”
There was “you are doing this on purpose.”
“You are making it up”
“Don’t you have any dreams?”
“Lazy and needy.”
When I am sad, I am ignored.
When I screw up I am criticized.
When I am tired I am called lazy.
When I need to leave for my own good I am told I didn’t try.
When I need hugging I got.....
When I need love I get deafening silence.
By my mother, by my partners
There is no one to wake me up at night and tell me,
“I need you.”
There is no one to wake up me in the morning and say
“How was your sleep”
No one dreams of me.
No one waits for me.
No one tells me how wanted I am.
And after what I saw today
I was comforted by the hugs and soft breath of my children
Who love me because I am their mommy.
And I love them because they exist in my life.
It is a great and deep love.
But it is not peer love.
My need for that, is gone forever.
So please tell me what love is.
I need its definition.
