WHY I AM PRO-ISRAEL

I get asked a lot why I have "suddenly" come out in the last few years as very Pro-Israel and Zionist leaning. My progressive friends know I lean their way on politics in the U.S. -- but can't understand why I lean so right on Middle East issues. They figure I must have some personal agenda. But I don't. Neither was my support "sudden."

My reasons are multilayered and to express myself I must digress and seem to go off topic but its the only way I can explain.

I was raised by a narcissistic parent. They've been dead 10 years this next September and only a year or so after they passed did I feel safe expressing, let alone feeling my rage at them for what they had done to me. I have no intention of forgiving the unforgivable but I do feel pity for them and hope that Hashem is giving them the healing and help they need now that they're in His care.

However, that upbringing made me a magnet for people with personality disorders. I didn't know it until a few years ago though. I was raised to repress my feelings, try to conform to things I didn't like or agree with and to "accept the unacceptable." People like me call ourselves ACONS (Adult Children of Narcissists). Our narcissistic parent pushes us to do or become something we really don't want to do or be, and we put up with it because we don't know any better. We are not recognized as individuals or autonomous. We tend to get into relationships with more narcissists (as friends or lovers) and to put up with things no non-ACON person would. We simply don't see it until we become aware of our repetition compulsion; engaging in other relationships with narcissists in attempts to heal the original wound with our narcissistic parent. The litany of cruelty that was done to me that denied me a normal childhood and adolescence by Destructive Narcissists is another post for another day.

That said, ACONs tend to try to "make nice" and repress and deny their feelings. My narcissistic parent did not like me talking politics. Despite pressuring me to be a lawyer (I took the LSATs, passed and then decided it wasn't what I wanted - which brought more abuse from the Nparent) I went in another direction. I sat and watched the Watergate hearings for hours over one summer. But politics wasn't a polite subject for a girl in my house.

I had one parent who was a Republican and one who was a Democrat. My Republican parent was always focused on the wrong thing, in my mind: Material things & what "looked" good. They raged at Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky scandal. My response to them was "he could be getting b*** j*** from goats in the Oval Office for all I care; at least he finally balanced the budget." That went over like a lead balloon and was one of the few times I ever gave my opinion on politics to family in many years.

I was also raised staunchly Catholic. I was deeply observant even as a child and teenager up until my mid-20s. I was always a believer with questions. And you don't question the Catholic Church. You put up and shut up.

But I had a special interest in the Jews. To me, Jesus was always a Jew and that made Judaism something special. All his apostles were Jews to start with and everyone in the Old Testament was a Jew. Yeah, I made that mistake of actually reading the Bible and letting my CCD teachers know. Ouch! The nuns did NOT like that at all! Jewishness was a closed door to me but a fascinating one.

I felt the Jews had a special connection to Hashem that I, as a Catholic, would never achieve. That connection was something I aspired to. I was a good girl. I never ever "slept around." I went to Church, took all my sacraments as they came along. But until I went to undergrad school I never met a 'real live Jew.' And most of all, I was fascinated by Israel - it was, in my mind, God's GIFT to the Jews. A consecrated land. (and I now worship at REFORM temple so not all Reform Jews think Jerusalem is just a 'historical museum' and to paint everyone of one denomination a certain way is arrogant and just plain dumb.)

My fascination was private and personal. It had to stay that way for a long time. First, until my narcissistic parent passed away - because they would have made my interest unbearable. Then there was the second hurdle...

I have talked a little on this site about my ex-husband. Yup, another narcissist. This person, little by little, took away my interests, incrementally broke my will and anything that was solely mine. I couldn't even think straight. Once my disability hit I was (and still am) mostly confined to my home. He ended my career, telling me it was for "my own good." The good things left to me are my wonderful & beloved children.

I wasn't allowed to have an idiosyncrasy in the marriage. I was a slave. In ten years the wonderful, intelligent man I married became something else. And nothing was ever good enough. I didn't do the dishes or fold laundry right. My opinions became non-existent because they were all stupid. I was 'stupid.' When called on his behavior, he "never said that" or "never did that"... reality was revised as needed, by him. And once I became disabled I was pretty much a burdensome doormat. I would have little flashes of independence that would be trampled on immediately. That sweet person I married became a virtual jailer; because you see I had married my 'narcissistic parent.' Repetition compulsion. I'd been here before a couple times... and here I was again.

So I put up and shut up. Never spoke about my interest in Judaism or Israel. It became a forgotten thing. A long lost memory. Until I finally hit the wall. 4 years ago after my "breakdown" due to being severely traumatized by someone who swooped in when I was at my lowest. I went on a retreat for PTSD that same year. I knew I'd had it. And most of all I had to protect my children. So I started divorce proceedings, custody proceedings and one step at a time - went forward for the sake of my children.

Around my birthday in 2007, my late therapist asked me about this blog. What was I doing with it. She'd seen some of my writing, which I hid from my ex. She told me repeatedly it was very good. I'd been published a couple times but I was still afraid. Afraid to be me. I'd started my anti-abuse site and was helping a lot of people. I was still more focused on making others happy than doing anything for myself. The abuse site helped me with my teshuva and my own healing. But my personal interests had been so trampled and I'd been too afraid. My therapist started leaning on me to come back out of the rock I'd been shoved under... and I did.

So I started to do things for myself. An ex-acquaintance found me a place to study Torah. I still go. My little opinions started to pop their heads up from the rubble of what should have been my healthy ego like daffodils in spring. I started the conversion process. Started studying the Talmud, et al. and there it still was. My pro-Israel leanings.

My anti-abuse work dovetailed in and fueled it. As you see on this blog I often relate the behavior of politicians to abusers. To me it seems so obvious that many of these selfish politicos and pundits follow the exact same patterns of coercion and abuse. It was as if the patterns I saw in my advocacy, and from my own life experiences were becoming so blatant in the political sphere I simply couldn't ignore them. I needed to say something, even if I was the only one reading it.

I saw Israel as a abuse victim. A classic abuse victim who is blamed and shamed for the abuse they are taking! Like me. A victim whom no one wants to admit they are using and hurting. A victim who was being smeared as the aggressor. It was right in my face. To this day I find it mind-boggling how others don't see this very same thing.

To those who think this was "sudden" I say, I was too afraid to tell you before. But I have always been a political animal and I have never not been pro-Israel.

I've claimed Israel as one of my anti-abuse advocacy 'clients.'

And I am reclaiming my voice as well.

AM ISRAEL CHAI


PLEASE CLICK HERE TO JBLOG ME