Exodus & the Aftermath of Personal Trauma

TRAUMA SURVIVORS PLEADING FOR THEIR 'EXODUS'

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
I have sworn, and have confirmed it, to observe Thy righteous ordinances.
I am afflicted very much; quicken me, O HaShem, according unto Thy word.
Accept, I beseech Thee, the freewill-offerings of my mouth, O HaShem, and teach me Thine ordinances.
My soul is continually in my hand; yet have I not forgotten Thy law.
The wicked have laid a snare for me; yet went I not astray from Thy precepts.
Thy testimonies have I taken as a heritage for ever; for they are the rejoicing of my heart.
I have inclined my heart to perform Thy statutes, for ever, at every step.
Psalms 119: 105-112

In reading this week's news across the globe, I am always struck by the resiliency of trauma survivors. Victims of political hypocrisy, victims of Middle East terror and even crime victims here in New York. I am also sickened by the majority who turn the other way - think it's not going to or couldn't happen to them - and blame the victims.

It's her fault, she let him take advantage of her;

he asked for it;

they knew what they were doing;

she should have gone to another job if she had problems;

Israel is provoking these attacks;

you elected him/ them

- on & on & on.

For survivors - just hearing this stuff is enough to set us off. For me, it all blurs together.

I wonder if we understand the sort of courage it takes to stand up again in the face of this sort of mass invalidation and personal smear campaigns.

And most of all, as a PTSD sufferer for many many years - I doubt anyone who doesn't have this disorder 'gets it.'

Yes, perhaps I am projecting my own pain onto other situations in an attempt to understand it. But don't we all project our own experience on to situations and people in attempts to make sense of it? Isn't that what the sages did in their attempts to unravel the mysteries of Torah?

Passover's here and I have been giving a lot of thought to the trauma of the Jewish people who fled Egypt with the clothes on their back and then wandered the desert. The psychological injury done to their self esteem that caused them to make a Golden Calf to focus on rather than wait for Moishe Rabineau to come down from Sinai. The real "shock and awe" of watching the Reed Sea part before them and later close in on Pharoah's warriors. The courage it took to settle in Israel and how, even today - thousands of years later - the self-esteem of the Jews is battered by Islamic extremism and the media!

Depression and PTSD is something I have to consciously fight every single day. Until about 7 years ago I was letting it have its way with me. I wasn't even fighting it because I was in denial that it was affecting me, too many people were telling me my out of control actions were my fault & my choice and I had serious suicidal ideation.

Years of abuse, marital or relationship entrapment, verbal and emotional battering and then physical illness turned me into a shell. I then fell victim to someone I thought I could trust who I really cared about, who callously polished off my trust in myself. I even was manipulated to fall victim to the Yetzer Hara... who like all predators - moved in when I was vulnerable, brainwashed and really had no fight left in me.

In the last few years I have started to come back. A good thing for my children who really need a mother with some spine. My real friends still believe in me but I struggle to believe in myself. All survivors do.

What trauma survivors and victims want is not 'Blame the Victim' platitudes, they don't want pity, they don't want to be told to 'get over it' or 'move on,' they don't want "here's a dollar for your cause now go away..." What we want is for people to GET IT. To try and understand. And most most importantly - to VALIDATE us.

Isn't that what Moishe Rabineau wanted? For God's Chosen People to GET IT?

Understanding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:
Myths, Misconceptions and Treatments
By Elizabeth Farrell

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD is a severe anxiety disorder that is very often misunderstood. PTSD can however affect people of any age from all walks of life. PTSD affects people who have been through a severe traumatic event or events such as childhood abuse, sexual assault, a violent crime, car accident, domestic abuse or a natural disaster. Not everyone who has been through a traumatic event will develop PTSD, but those who do can experience frightening and sometimes disabling symptoms.
Everyone has a built-in defensive mechanism that tells their bodies and minds when to respond to threatening situations. Often referred to as "fight or flight", this mechanism helps us respond to and resolve anything that feels dangerous to us. But for those with PTSD this mechanism works on overtime, the trauma remains unresolved and the person may end up feeling isolated and helpless. Symptoms of PTSD range from mild to severe and much of it depends on the length and severity of the traumatic event or events, how soon after the trauma they were diagnosed and treated and the person's support system of family and friends. However this outline is not written in stone for PTSD is a very complex disorder and even if two of the same people were exposed to the same trauma, they can both have completely different levels of reaction.

One of the most common symptoms of PTSD is flashbacks. A flashback is when the person feels as if traumatic event was recurring and includes a sense of re-living the event. The terrifying sensation of being back in the event can be so strong that the person may mistakenly believe that they are losing their mind. Recurrent, intrusive thoughts, images and perceptions that are similar to flashbacks but shorter in duration are also a common symptom of PTSD. Other symptoms include:

Avoidance of any situation, activities, thoughts or feelings that may trigger memories of the trauma

Inability to recall certain aspects of the trauma

Feelings of detachment from others

Inability to foresee into the future, such as planning career goals, marriage, normal life plans, etc.

Irritability and angry outbursts

Hypervigilance (a feeling of being on guard for danger)

Exaggerated startle response

Difficulty in concentrating

Difficulty sleeping

There are also a myriad of consequences associated with PTSD such as depression, suicidal ideation or suicide attempts, addictions, low self-esteem, interpersonal problems and physical manifestations such as headaches, stomach problems, low immunity and chronic pain.

Many people delay seeking treatment out of shame, guilt or even fear of having to re-visit the traumatic memories in therapy. Common myths and misconceptions can also hold people back from seeking treatment. These myths include:

People who have experienced a trauma should just learn to move on; if they seek treatment they are somehow weak.
There are people who can return to a normal life after experiencing a traumatic event. However the stress of this trauma can affect many aspects of a person's life including their emotional and physical well-being. Research even shows that prolonged trauma can alter and disrupt brain chemistry. If the stress caused by a trauma isn't addressed and treated, then it can possibly develop into PTSD. Seeking help is a wise and prudent choice to make.

If a person doesn't have symptoms right after the trauma, they won't get PTSD.
PTSD symptoms commonly develop within the three months following the trauma, but they may not appear until months or years after the trauma has happened. Symptoms of PTSD have also been known to subside and then reoccur later in life.

PTSD isn't a real disorder
PTSD is recognized as a well-characterized psychiatric disorder, listed in the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV)

It is a very real disorder and can be treated successfully by a mental health professional.
As mentioned earlier, it has been researched to show that the affects of stress caused by the trauma can alter the chemistry of the brain and how it responds to stress. This is particularly true with people who have experienced chronic and severe trauma.

Because of its complex affect on the brain, treatment for PTSD can often be more prolonged than with other types of anxiety disorders.

While writing this, I came across a very interesting site that included some quotes from sexual abuse survivors. No matter what sort of abuse you survived - I believe that you may see yourself in some of them. I know I saw myself, painfully, in the majority of them. It made me think about the Torah portions we will be reading this next week... and how Exodus speaks so clearly to each of us.

Maybe by taking this in, and praying for us - you can help us achieve our own Exodus! I offer excerpts here, to further help others understand:

Sexual and Emotional Exploitation...
Victim/Survivors: "What We Need"

Victims of sexual and emotional exploitation are frequently deeply harmed by this abuse. We sometimes struggle with a deep sense of isolation, and no one around us understands what we have been through. Spouses, significant others, and close friends also sometimes don't understand, and they must deal with their own complex emotional injuries as a result.

This is a form of abuse, where we can't point to the wound because the wound is on the inside. It violated us at a deep emotional / psychological / spiritual level. Just as each person is unique, each situation is unique and each person's response is unique.

WHAT WE WANT
* we want the world to understand
* how we feel
* what this has done to us
* what would help us
* what our spouses/significant others/friends need
* what angers us
* what is not helpful
* we need you to believe us and validate us

Our messages to the world (excerpts):
As I sit here alone and dream and hope, hope for someone or something to set me free set me free of the burden the secret I carry the aloneness that strikes in my heart like lighting wanting to find a path to the truth for in the end the truth will always set you free. - Trent

My abuser knew that his control was in the secrecy and he counted on me always living and then dieing with the shame and hiding his horrendous secret. - Anonymous
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I am a victim/survivor. It happened 12 years ago but I'm just in therapy now dealing with it. There is so much guilt and shame and self-blame, like I should have stopped it and not given in, but I felt I had no power.

He was someone whom I looked to for advice. I had been emotionally and physically abused at my house and he was my refuge. I tried to push off his advances and pull away, but he continued them and finally I gave in.

I later found out that he did the same thing with some other of my (friends). I couldn't believe it.

I can't be touched in any sexual way at all. Then I feel bad about that too. I hope that I can find healing soon. - Anonymous
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Then the LORD said to Moses, "Go to Pharaoh and say to him, 'Thus says the LORD: Let my people go, so that they may worship me. - Exodus 8:1-2

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I will promise you to remove my mask, to not pretend I'm all right, to not hide my pain... If you will promise me not to turn away, not to make light of my wounds or dress them too quickly, so you don't have to look them... I won't ask you to feel everything I feel...you cannot. Just please let me FEEL it while you are here with me. Don't say "just leave it in the past", say "I'm sorry it hurts so much". Don't say "worse things could have happened," say "my heart aches for what you suffered". Don't say "God will make it better" say "how could He have allowed it?". And when I say "I can't face it. It's too horrible. It's unspeakable" say "please -- tell me"... Cindy B.
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What was important for me and still is, is that people understand how damaging this exploitation is! That they understand the emotional pain. It would be very helpful if we could tell the general public, friends, family, partners, that when we were involved with the person who abused us, we were at our most vulnerable. We trusted this person to be... moral and ethical.

We opened up our deepest secrets, revealed long denied pain, felt we were finally in a place where we could re-experience our traumas. We were then manipulated, seduced and exploited! Because of the loyalty inherent in professional relationships, we took the responsibility upon ourselves and the abuse continued because we could not believe that our perpetrator could really be feeling the things they either spoke or intimated through covert behaviors and deniable conversations with us. We wanted them to be clean, clear with their boundaries and safe!

Why didn't we see what was going on, or why did we misinterpret their behaviors and words. We become the perpetrator, not our abusers, much like the way rape victims have been attacked in court, we are left looking as if we were the seducers. [Emotional seducers] receive the sympathy of friends & investigator and evidently the entire board because they are rarely reprimanded. - Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT WE NEED FROM YOU:
I can never hear "It's not your fault" too many times.

I can not hear "I believe you" too many times. The abuser used his position [and charm] to convince me that no one would ever believe me or help me.

Help me understand and work through the traumatic bond that I have with the abuser. It is similar to the bond a child has with an abusive parent.

Help me figure out what factors within me contributed to my dependency on the abuser. This can be tricky. It needs to be done in a way that emphasizes that the abuser alone was responsible for the abuse.

Confronting, reporting, or suing the abuser are intensely individual issues. These actions can be empowering but they can also be overwhelming and re victimizing. Help me explore my own strengths and vulnerabilities in making such decisions. It's my life and I live with the consequences of legal action. Please support whatever decision I make.
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Say to him, 'The LORD, the God of the Hebrews, sent me to you to say, "Let my people go, so that they may worship me in the wilderness." But until now you have not listened.
-- Exodus 7:17
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If you are squeamish or fearful about speaking to people who were abused or who have taken legal or political action against the abuse, say so. [Don't spin or santize it] I was already objectified by the abuser - treating me like "[a problem]" only furthers that objectification and is a re-enactment of the trauma. This is a difficult area because I am highly sensitive to abandonment.

I may have difficulty hearing positive feedback from you. In the past I was terribly manipulated by an abuser's positive remarks [grooming, schmoozing or peaceful negotiation] about me. I may not show that I heard your kind words (fearing you would use my reaction to take advantage of me), but I did.

Encourage me to cut down on my isolation via support groups, social gatherings, etc. The abuser was able to do what he did by isolating me and making me dependent.

I will TEST TEST TEST you. Please don't take it personally. My relationship with the abuser started out warm and friendly. I worry that kindness is a trap. Validate that testing is natural and necessary.

Help me explain the dynamics of the abuse to my loved ones. They may be blaming me and I am already filled with guilt. My family has also been victimized and needs support. - A survivor at ChaletRey1@XXX.com
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[My trauma] left me confused about reality and shamefully burdened by the frightening belief imposed upon me that I was the one who had seduced the counselor. It kept me quiet for 21 years until I could no longer carry the burden of secrecy. I collapsed at my worksite and was unable to walk for fear of having to live on - the emotional pain was more than any one person could endure. I was in bed for 2 months with severe agoraphobia and panic attacks and a deepest depression that dared me to end it once and for all by reminding me that I could no longer live another day with the pain. It felt like a large black hole - no good place to be and no good place where which I could go. - Anon

One thing I would like the general public and the professional community to understand or at least receive information about is the emotional abuse that creates the environment for the other abuses to grow and thrive. Without the emotional set up, without the most covert and vicious of abuses, because no one sees the scars (at least not immediately) the other forms of exploitation and abuse might not have occurred!

It is this courage, this inability to see that something is indeed wrong, that makes it easier for the perpetrator to get away with the abuses. I believe we need to know, as the general public and the consumers, that emotional abuse (in childhood) does indeed set us up for any other exploitations. Once we have been overwhelmed by the power and control of the abuser, once our hearts accept them as the ultimate authority on how we feel, we are set up for the rest of it. - Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't tell us that the real problem is our difficulty in forgiving the perpetrators of our abuse, that we just need to "let go". I have been told that I will not be able to heal until I forgive. I feel PRESSURED to forgive. This just makes me feel even worse, that I am not forgiving as quickly as friends wish me to. It makes me feel like, "What's wrong with me, that this has hurt me so bad, and that I find it so hard to just forgive and forget?"

I'm not sure I can ever forgive him for what he has taken away from me. He has taken away my life. I feel as if my soul has been ripped out of me. It will be a long time before I'll be able to forgive. Forgiveness is a process, not just a decision. It is a painful long struggle, not to be trivialized. - Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I realize now that my state of mind was symptomatic of anyone having experienced being raped -- I was dissociated from myself emotionally and from my significant relationships.

The emotional problems of low self-esteem, significant lack of self-identity and awareness of personal boundaries, and chronic feelings of guilt and depression were real needs I had at the time...

In conclusion I can only say to any victims of this experience -- I know that my vulnerability was not the cause of my experience, but it was the target of the violator--he used my vulnerability and my trust to give himself permission to act out his own obsessive compulsive behavior, and that decision makes him a deliberate rapist. He not only violated me personally in every possible way, but he also violated my children and our future as a loving family. - Kathryn
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My victimization... was harmful enough, but what happened to me afterwards was even more intrusive. Because of his own agenda, the exploitation I had experienced... was exploited even more when I was to be the model for appropriate "... discipline".

The anger I have for the sexual abuse ...is deep but doesn't come anywhere near the anger and hatred I have for those who took my literal cries for help and justice and threw them in my face. The damage is deep, I feel I have no one and have only recently begun to realize that the healing process is going to take a very very long time.

God's path for you never changes. There are many snakes you will meet along the way. Some will tempt you, others bite you to the bone. My prayers are with you. - A fellow survivor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was "kicked out" of a [temple] because the man who abused me belonged to the [temple] as well. They were extremely supportive of me for months as I told my story to them (keeping the name of the person anonymous).

However, as soon as they realized he was a powerful, rich member of their [temple] (his identity did not come from me). I was forced to leave "for my own good.". I refused at first, so the rabbis "froze" me out - each of them ignoring me until I left. This abuse itself was extremely devastating. To this day I have to remind myself it was not God, but people, who turned on me. - Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My abuser... gained my trust because he represented [someone he knew that I would associate] with compassion. Because I was overwhelmed by serious illness, he exploited my trust and invaded my privacy. He asked many personal questions, asked about my relationship with my man, and gained very privileged information about me, which he then used to abuse me sexually. I thought he was a friend. He shared his feelings and worries with me .

The sexual relationship was maintained until he became aware people knew about it. Little can describe the severe repercussions of this abusive relationship in my personal life.

I am now in therapy, and am just beginning to speak out! He has threatened me, and I believe he is capable of violence against me. I have frequent nightmares about this person. - Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But this is why I have let you live: to show you my power, and to make my name resound through all the earth. Exodus 9:16
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I have fought to be heard and believed. When you are mentally [damaged] no one wants to believe you, they feel they have the right to not believe you.

I wonder how many other women he has abused that either were to fragile to pursue, afraid they were the one responsible or have taken their lives because it was too much. If I give up pursuing this I have given up on life - the last chance I have to maintain some self-respect. - RLM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am the victim/survivor of emotional abuse and I want to understand how the ...distorted comments managed to have that effect on me. I felt I had to literally believe every piece of verbal garbage. - Estelle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was... trusting and vulnerable. In the end he broke his boundaries without thought of what it would do to me. Eventually he betrayed me and I destroyed my life. It is hard enough to endure the emotion much less find somebody who has the capacity to understand the handle the depth of your pain.

I am dismayed by the cowardice of the legal system and the narrow minded mentality that ...I "should have known " the ethical implications into crossing a boundary.

There are days I give up and hope it will go away but this is followed by my tears. I saw an analyst regarding this and she wanted to blame me for the situation. It is bad enough to feel the confusion much less be frequently encountered by ignorance when you reach out. - Doc
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I, too, am a victim/survivor of abuse that lasted many years. I sued him in civil court which was almost as excruciatingly painful as the abuse itself - to had to look into his eyes and hear him lie about what he told me, how he felt, etc.. I did not think I could make it through it!

But for me, all the pain, tears, sleepless nights, were worth it in order to have him come face to face with me. He counted on my keeping "the secret" - I did not! I still suffer from memories triggered by something as simple as a model of automobile. But I do know that I broke the silence and am taking the next step to freedom so understanding the abuse I suffered may make a difference in someone else's life. - Anon

I would like for [people] to stop using silence as a solution to the problem. You freeze us out and pretend we no longer exist...just before I [spoke out], I was welcomed at your dinner table in your community... But when this came up, the doors of communication slammed shut.

You can't treat people like this. You can't cross lines and then shut them out as if they were trash, without giving proper explanation as to the reason for your actions.

We need COMMUNICATION, not SILENCE. - Lillian N, IN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would love to openly confront and expose my abuser. I went to him with my troubles and came out with more troubles than I started with. The abuse lasted four years. If I open up now I will be regarded as a whore. People don't understand. I want them to know that it was not my fault. I am a decent woman who was abused by a predator. -
Anonymous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One thing is abundantly clear — the emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual aftermath of a psychopath is comparable to the devastation done by Hurricane Katrina. Much like the victims of Katrina, years later, many victimized women are still walking around stunned and internally disheveled.

There is no “Disaster Relief” or FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) program to come pick up the pieces of the lives that have been shattered by the gale force winds of pathology. There are no grants or loans to help women financially start again. No free counseling to treat their Post Traumatic Stress Disorders or evaluations for children. No free medical care for the ongoing medical issues generated by extreme stress. There are only the free clinics for pro-bono STD treatment, which means standing in the lines with sex workers.

She looks for help in women’s groups and counselors. She’s told she’s 'codependent,' 'sexually addicted', a 'relationship addict', or 'just another domestic violence statistic'. She’s given relationship books about “Finding Love” again in other relationships — none of which examines what life with a psychopath has been like. Or, what scars from a psychopath are like.

Other women say, “Oh yeah, I had a bad boyfriend too. I got over it and moved on.” There are so few people who really understand what it is like to be targeted, lured, conned, mind controlled, and then live through the dichotomous belief systems of the psychopath.

Who will understand this fall from success she has experienced? Who really knows what it is like to go from a doctor to a patient, from a CPA to a welfare recipient, from a female clergy to an unbeliever?

The universe is strangely tilted to the benefit of the psychopaths. For twenty years, psychologists have watched psychopaths dodge jail, get custody of children, skirt warrants, talk judges into believing them, have women’s attorneys switch sides and represent them, and walk free... We have seen women labeled 'sick', 'crazy', 'bad mothers', 'scorned' and 'overly reactive'.

Women are violated by the psychopath, violated by the lack of trained professionals to help them, violated by the legal system, and left scarred and numb to wander through life.

All of this amounts to a death sentence for those who made a mistake; the mistake of loving and trusting a psychopath. This is a rather harsh sentence for a woman whose only crime was wanting love and family.

The enemy said, 'I will pursue, I will overtake,
I will divide the spoil, my desire shall have its fill of them.
I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.'

You blew with your wind, the sea covered them;
they sank like lead in the mighty waters.

"Who is like you, O LORD, among the gods?
Who is like you, majestic in holiness,
awesome in splendor, doing wonders?

Exodus