Just "Get Over It"

How many times in my life did I hear those words? Usually attached to some depressive episode. Those words always drove me deeper inside myself, deeper into depression and triggered months of 'circular thinking' well known to those of us with PTSD and related depression.

I grew up in a home where I was constantly reminded that I was not fitting in, not what was expected and not only unlikeable but probably unloveable as well. The verbal abuse grew physical but it was many, many years before I realized this was not the way every home was. I grew up loving people who were incapable of really loving me back. And that continues to this day; which is why I have turned my back on any other relationship -- ever.

I took beatings at school and had no friends until I was about 17. I was shunned by just about everyone. My Drama teacher took me under his wing and slowly but surely tried to give me some self-esteem. I only had it when I was performing, though.

My high school senior year, a couple mothers of other girls took me aside at an event and asked if I needed a place to live to get away from my mother. I didn't know what they meant. Eventually one of them approached my mother about the way she treated me and of course, it was taken out on me.

In adulthood, when I realized something was not right I joined those who made jokes about dysfunctional families ('is there a functional family?'). I quietly spent time trying to figure it all out but couldn't. I continued to draw people into my life who did the same thing to me. Told me lies to use me then devalue, degrade and hurt me. Both emotionally and physically.

After I moved to NYC I believed it was so consistent it had to be my fault. I got into therapy and went through about 3 therapists over time. Very slowly I realized it wasn't my fault nor was it me. But my default is still to take all blame. Once I started to get that it wasn't me I had to come to grips with what a lifetime of ongoing, non-stop abuse had done to me. What welcoming and even inviting abusive people into my life because their behavior was familiar - had left me with. And most of all, that my brain chemistry had changed, I had cardiac problems and other issues stemming from systemic, long term abuse.

I had to come terms with what my mother had been. A histrionic narcissist. I had been living up close & personal with a pathological person who had me in their cross-hairs the minute I developed a personality and had my own thoughts. A person who probably had a degree of clinical depression themselves (did I mention depression can be genetic?) I am what is now called, an ACON (Adult Child of a Narcissist) Baruch Hashem my sibling confirmed all this for me many years later. What Dr. Alice Miller calls "an enlightened witness."

The woman who gave me life tried to hold a knife to my throat to "take that life away" because I disagreed with her over something trivial. The woman who gave me life would wake me up in the middle of the night and call me a freak, a loser and an embarrassment because I had a genetic illness. Years later she would tell my ex-husband, who was much like her - to "leave" me after I was diagnosed with atypical M.S. because I was now "useless to" him. Even today, however, he still begs me to come back. No thanks.

Sure I am angry - but isn't depression a form of inward turned anger? I embrace honesty. If you are brutalized year after year after year... how long before depression becomes the way your brain 'does business'?

The one thing my therapist and trauma counselors got me to do - was TELL. And tell the truth. Not to keep a secret. This is what the abuser wants - you to be so ashamed you don't tell. That way, they can lie about you, smear you, accuse you of Loshan Hara, make sure none of their proxies befriend you and find out they are lying or sanitizing the truth. The abuser can twist reality to my themselves look the victim (my late NMother did this frequently). Oh, the abuser will attack you mercilessly for not 'letting it go.' And don't hold your breath about them facing you, apologizing or making amends. But don't keep secrets. They are toxic to the soul. Unfortunately, you can't forgive someone who doesn't repent.

So given all that how could I have just gotten over it? When every emotional entanglement became yet another fresh hell. How could I just 'suck it up' or 'take a pill' and forget it? No one can.

No one.

You Can't Fight Depression on Your Own
by Deborah Gray

Two things happened today that made me want to pound my head against a wall, Charlie Brown-style. The first was that I got an email from a woman who said that she is suffering from severe depression, but that friends and family want her to try to "talk herself out of it", and not get involved with medication and therapy. Now, it is not unusual for me to get an email from someone who either (1) feels they should be able to handle their own depression without treatment (2) feels that someone close to them should be able to handle their depression on their own, or (3) is being talked out of seeking treatment by family or friends. These emails never fail to raise my blood pressure a few notches.

The stress from this communication was doubled when the second thing happened, which is that I went to the Psychology/Self-help section at my local bookstore. It seems to be the largest section in the store. As I looked for legitimate books on depression and its treatment, I couldn't help but see all the "help yourself" titles in that section, as well as what I call the "Thank God I'm here to tell you what to do, you pathetic loser" books.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger was telling me that I do 10 stupid things to mess up my life (only 10, Dr. Laura?), John Roger and Peter McWilliams were telling me that I couldn't afford the luxury of a negative thought (gee, and I was having so much fun spoiling myself with those negative thoughts), countless others were telling me that if I just bought their book and put some effort into it, I could be happier, sexier, smarter, successful and more fulfilled. When it came to depression, there was no shortage of advice. Apparently I can embrace depression, use it as a tool for self-discovery, and run it off (at the same time I'm running off those belgian waffles, I guess - how handy). By this time I was way past pounding my head against a wall, and into the Yosemite Sam stage, in which I want to jump up and down and swear uncontrollably.

Let me pause for a moment to explain exactly what I mean when I talk about depression. I'm not referring to the normal down periods that everyone goes through once in a while, that can be brought on by a rainy day, a broken heart, the flu or even for no particular reason. We mope around, listen to sad music and feel sorry for ourselves. These moods go away within a couple of days, and we can enjoy life again. Clinical depression is much more than that, and is comparable to a down mood as much as a sneeze is comparable to pneumonia. It is an illness that affects a person in many different ways. It can affect appetite, sleep patterns, powers of concentration, and even slow down movement and speech. While the predominant feeling depression brings is often sadness or a blue mood, it can also be a numb, empty feeling, anxiety, hopelessness, loss of self-esteem or self-worth, inability to make decisions or a combination of these. Unlike a passing mood, clinical depression dominates a person's life and brings it to a screeching halt.

Back in the bookstore, I was relieved to see that there are also many books that address depression in a responsible manner, explaining that it is an illness and encouraging the sufferer to seek treatment from a physician. It seems, however, that too often the influence of these books and other educational material about depression is drowned out by the belief that depression is simply a down mood or negative attitude that any self-respecting person should be able to overcome. I read recently of

a study in which 75% of adults said that someone with depression could get better just by being more positive. Can you imagine the same 75% saying that someone who is paralyzed just needs to work out more, or that someone who is mentally retarded just needs to think "power thoughts"?

This attitude is dangerous for a couple of reasons. First, the number one cause of suicide is untreated depression. Why don't people get treatment for depression? Probably because they are being told by society, well-meaning family and friends and their own misconceptions of mental illness that depression is just a mood that they should be able to control. They believe that a life-threatening illness can be managed by happy talk and an upbeat demeanor. I know what I'm talking about. I tried for years to defeat my (undiagnosed) depression by thinking of reasons I was lucky and telling myself that that cold empty feeling had no cause and therefore didn't have any validity. It's like trying to treat diabetes by skipping dessert. It doesn't work, and it's dangerous to your health.

The second reason this "talk yourself out of it" attitude is dangerous is that depression can be caused by an undiagnosed illness such as heart disease, thyroid dysfunction, cancer, infectious diseases and immune/autoimmune disorders. Depression can even be brought on by vitamin or mineral deficiencies or prescription and over-the-counter drugs. If you don't treat depression as an illness and get yourself checked out by a physician or psychiatrist, you run the risk of leaving a serious illness undiagnosed.

If you are experiencing any of the symptoms of depression, make an appointment to see a doctor. If you know someone who seems to be showing the symptoms, encourage him or her to see a doctor.

Don't believe the myth that we can "handle" depression on our own.

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