BLOG BULLIES and BLOG SNOBS

My blogger sista Layla, wrote such a good post in July 2007 about a subject which I have discussed with many bloggers during the last 7 years which I have been fiddling around with blogs.

Blogging was a great way to keep my mind active, now that I am unable and diagnosed unfit to work. I am teaching myself CSS and other coding little by little. Old horses do learn new tricks!


When I started blogging I refused to talk politics.  According to my therapists I still lack a lot of self-esteem. Over the years I was told by far too many people I was stupid, ugly, worthless, too intense, had a big mouth and ended up saying 'yes' to things any rational person would have said "NO WAY" too.   Undiagnosed PTSD had me doing irrational things that no one would accept an apology for.  I went out of my way to make people happy, to my own detriment. So my blog was a mishmash of this and that. Stuff I had written on a good day and so on.

I helped out 2 websites for a while as their domestic violence information 'maven' but left when I started getting threatened & cyberstalked; and when the site owner's ethics became too mercenary or shallow for me to tolerate. It was one thing to help others, but for the life of me I couldn't swim my way out of a puddle. And the hassles weren't worth it.
So here I am. I got myself a new template I liked, installed and tweaked it and now I'm blogging... assuming anyone is listening or cares what I have to say. However, that doesn't stop me - I like blogging. It's exercise for my brain.

And in comes - the Blog Whores (as Layla called them) or as I call them - the BLOG BULLIES. Frankly, if you don't like my politics or opinions - the blogosphere is jam packed with better writers and people who these BLOG WHORES & BULLIES will find a lot more interesting than me. There's the NEXT BLOG button up there. See? In the Navbar? Click it and move along if you don't like me.

Here's Layla's masterful take on it:

You have all met or come across a blog whore at one time or another. A blog whore can be female or male it really does not matter, because they do the very same things - make trouble - accuse - get touchy - don’t like how you wrote this or that - call you names, even vile names sometimes - I believe you get the drift.

How many times have you thought you wrote a masterpiece just to have some blog whore come by and tell you that you write like shit? Or that you are a whore, because you think every man or woman having an affair is not only wrong, but are bimbos?These blog whores always stick around like leaches and when they cannot attack what you write, they attack your grammar or scrutinize your spelling. They will tell you about every “t” you did not cross and every “i” you did not dot. Simply put, blog whores are pains in the asses.

Don’t you just hate it when a blog whore visits your site or if you do not have a blog, but comment on blogs and you find a nutty comment left by a blog whore?

Most of you are like me, we ignore it. I will delete the comment if the blog whore is exceptionally hateful, but most times I will leave it up and ignore it, which they completely hate. Being ignored to a blog whore is like taking a baby bottle away from a crying baby.

There have been several times when I was tempted to tell the blog whore off - as I am sure you have been, but we know that is a waste of time. Telling a blog whore off is encouraging their disgusting behavior and bad attitude.

You can never change the mind of a blog whore - it is set like flint. A blog whore will never be talked out of their views or ways of seeing things - so it’s best not to try. These are the little blog whores that run around disagreeing with everyone and their mother just for the hell of it. Their food is a blog or post that is totally abstract to their ideology.

So what choices do we have to deal with the blog whores?

1) Ban them.
2) Ignore them.
3) Remind them we are not pimps for their trash.

Or lastly, like me, be bold and write a post on blog whores.

But NOOOOO.... they accuse you of plaguarism, or being irrational, or being an idiot. They won't stop! Your writing is "sub-par." I had a guy for a while tell me I was just a big crybaby about being an abuse victim (now advocate as well as having C-PTSD) and to "F*** myself" which was followed up with "Now I have sexually abused you, right Barbara? wah wah wah." Whatever. I guess even asylum mates have computers these days. Here's what one of my favorite sites, BULLY ONLINE, has to say about these people:

The Internet provides the perfect forum for cyberbullies, individuals whose aim is to gain gratification from the distress caused by provoking and tormenting others. The anonymity, ease of provocation, and almost infinite source of targets means the Internet is full of predators from pedophiles targeting children to serial bullies targeting ... anybody.

Cyberbullies get a perverse sense of satisfaction (called gratification) from sending people flame mail and hate mail. Flame mail is an email whose contents are designed to inflame and enrage. Hate mail is hatred (including prejudice, racism, sexism etc) in an email. (or flame comments!)

Serial bullies, whose behaviour profile you'll find in full at Bully OnLine, harbour a lot of internal aggression which they direct at others. This may include projection, false criticism and patronising sarcasm whilst contributing nothing of any value. It may also include a common tactic of "a number of people have emailed me backchannel to agree with me". This is standard bully-speak which I've experienced on several forums. In every case it's a fabrication or a distortion - usually the former. It's also a variant of the serial bully head teacher who says "a number of parents have complained to me about you...". When challenged, the identity of the alleged complainants can't be disclosed because it's "confidential". The purpose of this tactic is to wind people up. Don't be fooled into believing it has any validity - it doesn't.

People who bully are adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information about them. The method of creating conflict is provocation which bullies delight in because they know they can always coerce at least one person to respond in a manner which can then be distorted and used to further flame and inflame people. And so it goes on. The bully then sits back and gains gratification from seeing others engage in destructive behaviour towards each other.

Many serial bullies are also serial attention-seekers. More than anything else they want attention. It doesn't matter what type of attention they get, positive or negative, as long as they can provoke someone into paying them attention. It's like a 2-year-old child throwing a tantrum to get attention from a parent. The best way to treat bullies is to refuse to respond and to refuse to engage them - which they really hate. In other words, do not reply to their postings, and on forums carry on posting without reference to their postings as if they didn't exist. In other words, treat nobodies as nobodies.

The anger of a serial bully is especially apparent when they come across someone who can see through them to espy the weak, inadequate, immature, dysfunctional aggressive individual behind the mask. For instance, when serial bullies see themselves described at www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm they usually send me an abusive email.

If you receive abusive emails or flame mails or hate mail, you can forward it to abuse@isp where "isp" is the service provider the abuser is using, eg "aol.com" or "yahoo.com". Although Internet service providers may not act on every complaint, the more complaints they receive about a particular individual (with examples of abusive email) the more likely they are to close down the person's account.

The objectives of bullies are Power, Control, Domination, Subjugation. They get a kick out of seeing you react. It doesn't matter how you react, the fact they've successful provoked a reaction is, to the bully, a sign that their attempt at control have been successful. After that, it's a question of wearing you down.

The more you try to explain, negotiate, conciliate, etc the more gratification they obtain from your increasingly desperate attempts to communicate with them. Understand that it is not possible to communicate in a mature adult manner with a disordered individual who's emotionally retarded.

The Number One rule for dealing with this type of behaviour is: don't respond, don't interact and don't engage. This is not as easy to do as it sounds. It's a natural response to want to defend yourself, and to put the person right. However, never argue with a serial bully; it's not a mature adult discussion, but like dealing with a child or immature teenager; whilst the serial bully may be an adult on the outside, on the inside they are like a child who's never grown up - and probably never will. Serial bullies and harassers often have disordered thinking patterns and do not share the same thoughts or values as you.

The second rule is to keep all abusive emails. Create a new folder, perhaps called "Abuse", and move hate mail, flame mail and copy abusive comments into this folder. You don't have to read it. When the time comes to take action, this folder is your evidence. Bullies, especially cyberbullies, are obsessive people and if their account is closed down you may start receiving mail from another address. This can later be compared to the abusive emails you've already received to identify the perpetrator. You'll find the same words, phrases and strategies occurring.

The third rule is to understand bullying. Read through Bully OnLine carefully, understand the profile of the serial bully. Recognise that you are not dealing with a person who has the same mindset as yourself. Bullying, and especially cyberbullying, has links with stalking - see www.bullyonline.org/related/stalking.htm for links to stalking sites.

Rule four is get help. If you're a young person, this is essential. Even mature experienced adults often cannot handle bullying and harassment by themselves. Sometimes you are dealing with a severely disordered and dangerous individual.

Rule five is become alert to provocation. It could be called "The Baiting Game". A provocative comment is made and those who respond spontaneously in irritation (eg non-assertively) are then encouraged to engage in conflict with those who respond without irritation (eg assertively). The provoker watches, waits and stirs the pot with the occasional additional provocation. What interests me is the sense of gratification that a provoker gains from watching others indulge in destructive interaction initiated by him- or herself. In this context, gratification is a perverse form of satisfaction akin to, but distinct from, pleasure.

The sixth rule is become an observer. Although you may be the target of the cyberbully's anger, you can train yourself to act as an observer. This takes you out of the firing line and enables you to study the perpetrator and collect evidence. When people use bullying behaviours they project their own weaknesses, failings and shortcomings on to others. In other words, they are telling you about themselves by fabricating an accusation based on something they themselves have done wrong. Whenever you receive something from them, train yourself to instinctively ask the question, "What is this person revealing about themselves this time?"

The seventh rule is decide if you want to take action, and if so, prepare carefully and strike hard. Sometimes refusing to respond and engage will result in the cyberbully losing interest and going off to find someone easier to torment. Sometimes though, especially if there has been interaction in the past, the cyberbully is so obsessed that s/he cannot and will not let go. Don't deal with the abuser yourself (this encourages bullies and stalkers), use a third party such as a solicitor.

Finally a reminder - never try to mediate, negotiate, conciliate or otherwise deal with a bully or stalker yourself. Always remember Rule #1: don't respond, don't interact and don't engage.

Do you have time to do this sort of thing to other people's blogs? I sure don't. Sure we've been accused of these things but I don't have the time, inclination or energy. I often find the whole internet very triggering.

Then you have what I call THE BLOG SNOBS. These keyboard jockeys come in a number of flavors but here's a couple:


THE ELITIST. OMG! You have joined their little blogging community without the approval of the upper eschalon! You know... those who either started it or aren't newbies. So every single dang thing you post is suspect. You're must be a plaguarizer, you're obviously not an English major and holy moly YOU aren't in love with your own blog!? What do you mean you don't post their blogroll! And did they let you know you have too many icons or they don't approve of who you link to on YOUR blog? Are they sneakily writing emails to bloggers they know telling them "all about" you (or their "version")... like passing notes in class?

These elitists accuse you of ripping them or people they read off because you can't possibly have an independent thought in your head. Even though you update your blog daily and have loads of hits, you aren't considered a 'top blogger' in their clique because you're not part of the in crowd. Nor will they ever allow you to be. The blogosphere is treated as their personal kingdom! They say they never read you despite the fact that in private they are reading your blog like demons; via some proxy so you ... cough - won't know its them - cough. (as if anyone is awake and online at 3am at some fake business in Norway! LOL) This type is usually driven by jealousy they will never, ever admit to.

THE NARCISSIST. You've traded some comments or emails with these people about some point in one of your posts. You didn't agree or they felt you weren't honest. So now, every single post (like this one! LOL) is about THEM. Everything you POST is somehow directed at them personally. You must be spending your whole day thinking about what to post to piss them off or ruffle their feathers. You're stealing their links! Next to Google, they are god! They may even try to sue you for defamation! Good luck...

THE SMEAR-MEISTER. They think they know you from some message board or chat room you may have been on back 15 years ago when IRC was king of net. They have some horrible or vile concocted story about you (usually embellished and honed over time) so they make sure all their other blogging friends know the "sort of person you really are!" They cyberstalk you from site to site to see who and where and what your comments are.  Then they tell you you're stalking yourself for attention. They accuse you of doing all sorts of horrible things while they find a way to either hack or to get rid of your blog. They post or do things under your name to make you look bad. You become public enemy number one every time you post.

Don't feel bad - even bloggers like the wonderful Debbie Schlussel probably have these people on their backs. And yes, even the world of anti-abuse advocacy you has them. Just ask UOJ how many people have tried to smear & discredit him for his work. Or how many of us have been threatened for just taking up some bandwith. Just look at this post by my friend at Freedom's Cost - a blog snob who, while appearing polite, did nothing but put the knife in to Chaim. Makes you want to smack your screen doesn't it?


I enjoy blogging. I don't think my opinions came from Mt. Sinai, they are just my opinions. I truly love reading other people's blogs. I find new subjects, insights, inspiration, information and laughter reading other people's thoughts.

In the last seven years, I am astounded at the junior high school like antics of adults who simply own a computer. Isn't it amazing how even online there's 'boy's clubs', hierachy, 'bitch sessions', people who steal your identity and bully others behind it, and the same wackos you'd meet any given day at Creedmoor.

Then of course there's the good stuff - bloggers like you and me.


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