9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step Nine Outlined
This Step is about "making peace with ourselves and others. That is the purpose of amends."
"TAKING OUT THE LISTS"
"This Step takes us a major leap forward in establishing boundaries - the difference between us and another person, the difference between our behavior and another's. It also grounds us in what will become a new way of life: allowing other people to have their paths and issues and learning to have our own. In this Step, we learn to own our power to take responsibility for ourselves and our conduct in relationships."
"A fringe benefit of this Step is that we can now feel good about our conduct in relationships and can set ourselves free from conduct we feel uncomfortable with."
"If you have done your work in the other Steps, you have a list of people. If you have done the work as suggested in Step Eight of this book, you have three lists: people who have harmed you; people you have harmed, and the person you may have harmed most - yourself."
"You may not have a written list, but if you have been relating to people, you have a list. Any relationship, past or present, you don't feel good about; any person, including yourself, you're harboring troubled, unresolved feelings about; any relationship that brings discord to mind or heart; all are on this list. These relationships are blocking your heart and your ability to love."
"Denial does not count here. If you have strife or unresolved issues, even if you are denying the feelings, they are on the list. Let's take a look, now, at what can be done to shred the lists."
"MAKING AMENDS TO THOSE WE HAVE HARMED"
"It is now time to take out the list of people we have harmed by our behaviors. Now we are approaching some direct amends. We are getting ready to say, "This is what I did, and I'm sorry," in word and behavior. These are the people to whom we did something inappropriate, people we need to take care of ourselves with because we did something wrong. We may have lied, manipulated, used, abused, controlled, or inappropriately expressed anger to these people. In some way, these people suffered from our codependent behaviors, and now we are trying to make things right. We are on our way to freeing ourselves from guilt, taking responsibility for ourselves, removing ourselves as victims, and restoring these relationships."
"Sometimes an amend requires direct contact with the person. We say what we did and then apologize for our conduct. We do not talk about what the other person did. We do not justify or rationalize what we did. If we need to explain briefly, we may. The fewer words we use, the better. The most important ones are, "This is what I did, and I'm sorry."
"Sometimes our amends are immediate amends. They are amends that can and should be made right now."
"Sometimes these amends are "future" amends. For a variety of reasons, it may be better to let some time pass before going to that person. Maybe feelings are at an all-time high; maybe we are not yet clear on exactly what our part was; maybe we are not yet entirely ready. For whatever reason, the timing is not right. So we wait, but we have a reasonable deadline in mind."
"Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough. We need to make restitutions by changing how we behave toward someone. Of course, we cannot and do not need to promise perfection, but a sincere desire to handle ourselves differently helps. We may decide we need to change our behaviors with children, a spouse, a loved one, or a friend."
"Sometimes our amends are financial amends. We need to make restitution in more than words or changed behavior. We need to pay back money. Many of us begin recovery from codependency strapped with huge financial burdens."
"The debts are usually the result of our participating in a dysfunctional relationship, getting in over our heads, then finding ourselves - not our partner - strapped with the financial burden when the relationship ends. Sometimes we borrow to help the other person out. Sometimes financial unmanageability becomes part and parcel of the codependent package."
"The willingness to take responsibility for our current financial problems is critical to recovery. Many of us have allowed ourselves to be terribly financially victimized by another. That's a hard blow to take, but if we are going to recover, we must begin now to bring reparation and healing to that area of our lives."
"We do whatever we can to bring fairness and equity to the situation. If there is any way to relieve ourselves of financial responsibility that belongs to someone else, we take steps to do that. That is part of making amends to ourselves. As much as possible, we take steps to insure that each one of us is financially responsible for himself or herself. We no longer allow ourselves to be further victimized or martyred."
"Sometimes, in order to take financial responsibility for ourselves, we do end up biting the proverbial bullet. Sometimes our credit is shot. Sometimes we are stuck with another's debt whether we like it or not."
"Financial responsibility is an important part of recovery. We can faithfully and responsibly do what we can as we are able."
"Attitude, honesty, openness, and willingness count here. In peace and harmony, we can strive to clear up our discord in making amends. We quietly go about facing people and taking responsibility for our behaviors - understanding that we are not diminishing our self-esteem by making amends but improving it."
"The cleaner and clearer, the better. The more direct, the better. The more it comes from the heart, the better. The more it is led by Divine Guidance, the better."
"Once we make an amend, the other person isn't responsible for clearing away our residue of fear, guilt, or shame. It is our job to let go of the incident, not theirs. On the other hand, we are not responsible for feelings the other person may have about the incident. That isn't our job. Our part is to make a direct amend, then do whatever work we need to do on ourselves to be done with our shame and guilt."
PLEASE CLICK HERE TO JBLOG ME
Comments