ISRAEL AND ME: PTSD OF THE TERRORIZED

Keli Ata wrote a good piece in March 2007 about the Israeli people, who endure daily acts of terrorism. She asked if their anxiety when they hear Arabic is the result of racism or PTSD? The answer, in my mind, was PTSD. Absolutely no question.

I have had PTSD for 43 years now. Probably longer. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is joked about and claimed by a lot of people who may or may not have it. And the 'fluff' we can read on the web about symptoms is not the same as the hard diagnostic materials that clinicals & psychiatrists have access too. The latter is horrifying in its accuracy to sufferers.

I didn't know I had it until about 1998. About 1 year into my being a mother and just a few months after I was diagnosed with serious hormonally-caused Post Partum Depression. When my counselor brought it up to me, she honestly thought I knew that I had it. I didn't. Nor did I think I was depressed. I just thought I was moody, like everyone always accused me of. I was always told I was a "strong woman" or a "crazy woman" depending on who was doing the talking. I don't cave in to very much and I thought PTSD was the realm of war veterans and disaster victims. Not something someone like me had. No way.

At some point in their lives, an estimated 7.8 percent of Americans will experience PTSD. Women are twice as likely as men to develop the disorder. About 3.6 percent of U.S. adults aged 18 to 54 have PTSD during the course of a given year. Gift from Within

The reasons behind my Complex PTSD are numerous. When my counselor and I lined them all up they made sense. I hate labels but I had to admit it - PTSD had plagued me throughout the years. Each fresh hell bringing yet another round of emotional numbing, poor choices, anxiety, heart palpitations, shakes and the inside of my head being in a perpetual primal scream. Even my marijuana use in college was situationally tied to anxiety, fear, unresolved trauma and PTSD; an attempt to self-medicate that I gave up very quickly as soon as I graduated for me to be a druggie. Just recently, an innocent conversation had me on the bed in the fetal position for hours a couple days later... the delayed response to the trigger.

PTSD is not always a state of which you are aware. Just as you don't always know you are depressed, you often don't know when your reactions are the result of the triggering of your PTSD. I have never been an out-of-control person. Most of my reactions are turned inward. I beat up on me, not others. My problem is with self-loathing, not outward turned hate. But this too, is a feature of PTSD.

"Unresolved guilt, whether for actual or perceived offenses, can result in a multitude of problems including mental health difficulties, negative responses from others, and disrupted relationships.

"Guilt can immobilize. It can hinder or prevent well-being, trauma recovery, a normal progression through life, productive action and positive relationships. Recognized or unrecognized guilt can undermine relationships over prolonged periods or affect the kinds of relationships a person attracts to him or herself." Gift from Within

Yes, that is me. Vulnerable. I am drawn to those who need help or appear to need it. Or I am targetted by those who use my vulnerabilities to their own ends. The only way someone could take advantage of me was through my emotions. It becomes obvious once they profile me. I had a parent who told me I was defective and bad. I grew up attracting men that abused me physically, psychologically, emotionally and/or sexually. After a deeply traumatic incidents I no longer trust myself in this arena and have withdrawn from it totally. This is a natural reaction.

But what is Israel to do? Withdraw? A country that is theirs by God's own decree? No. Absolutely not.

The counselors I have seen just in the last 3 1/2 years have many names for what I have experienced: psychological injury, emotional rape, mental rape, mind control, brainwashing and the one label my lawyer put on it: intentional infliction of emotional distress. These things are when someone uses your higher emotions: love, compassion, affection - for their own gain or pleasure. And yes, it causes PTSD in some people. And then depending on the person the PTSD will either resolve itself or embed itself in your psyche to rise at any given moment. I already had PTSD, so the incidents reopened the old wounds. I will never have full resolution.

No matter what some well-meaning people tell you, you can't ever totally heal it. Feelings buried alive never die.

Could this be why people feel they can beat up on Israel in the press and books with no accountability? Because of Jewish Guilt?

"It can keep the guilt-ridden individual stuck in suffering, depression, and/or self-recrimination. The attitude and demeanor of guilt may elicit reactions from others such as ire, punishment, or victimization. Guilt can punish more than the guilty. It colors interactions and the quality of life for the guilt-ridden and for those whose lives are affected by their moods and behaviors and by the level of their support, goal-setting and productivity.

"Like anger, guilt at its best is a mobilizer toward productive action. Staying focused on guilt rather than acting positively and toward resolution can be a way of avoiding facing other issues and emotions."

Telling a victim to move on, it happened months or years ago, get over it or get a life... are inappropriate. And cruel. It buries the feelings rather than facing them and processing them. They won't get over it because you can't erase history or time. Ask any Israeli who narrowly avoided becoming a victim of terrorism. One simply cannot act like the terrorism didn't happen. Yes, going about your daily routine is part of the healing process but unless you suffer from some Cluster B personality disorder (i.e. narcissism, borderline, sociopathy) you can't erase things as if life is an etch-a-sketch. Erasing or saying/acting like 'it never happened' is a sign of a disordered personality and not a compassionate human being. It doesn't honor ones spiritual path or the way in which Hashem meant for us to learn and grow.

Not dealing with it, whether that takes weeks, months or a lifetime - is individual and must be honored if the sufferer is to integrate it at all into their personal experience.

"Traumatic experiences often raise spiritual questions regarding meaning and purpose, justice and fairness, the power of good over evil, and the nature of God and man (Jordan, 1995).... For the Jewish faith, when immoral or unethical actions have been committed, confession/repentance, restitution/amends, and atonement are indicated (Leviticus 5:5, 6). Following repentance and amends to attain spiritual forgiveness, prayer and/or fasting may be engaged in by the wrongdoer (evil-doer) or by clergy on the wrongdoers behalf (Leviticus 6)...

"In the Jewish faith the relationship with God and the issue of guilt are addressed simultaneously in the Days of Awe or High Holy Days that begin the month preceding and include the days between Rosh Ha-Shanah and Yom Kippur (Strassfeld, 1985).

"This period is devoted to a careful examination of who we are in an attempt to become cognizant of the ways we have failed--failed others, failed our own selves, and failed God. This introspection is meant to lead to regret and remorse for the harm we have done, to attempts at restitution when possible, and to turning away from our past selves to better selves who will act differently in the coming new year. We are each meant to be a new and improved version, not just the same old self one year older and deeper in debt.

"This process of teshuvah--repentance--will hopefully culminate in forgiveness--our forgiving those who hurt us; others forgiving us; and finally God forgiving us. It is literally a process of atonement that allows us to become at-one with God and with the rest of humanity. (Strassfeld, 1985, pp. 95-96)." Gift from Within

I talk about teshuva a lot. It's something that rules most of my daily activities and blogging interests. And its teshuva that comes directly from PTSD. Sometimes it is forgiving one's self that is the hardest. The would, could, shoulds that come for years after the event.

PTSD has as one of its features for long term survivors like myself - Repetition Compulsion.

"Some people unwittingly choose destructive relationships over and over again... they go from one bad partner to the next, much to the chagrin of those closest to them (including therapists) who pull their hair out trying to stop them. Why does this happen?

"...in my years of doing therapy, I never found any client who received any pleasure at all, conscious or unconscious, from the abuse and neglect heaped on them by narcissistic or otherwise destructive partners. Rather, my clients were simply hurt over and over again. Still, the "repetition compulsion" was true enough: no sooner had a client ended with one particularly hurtful person then they found another wolf in sheep's clothing. There had to be a good reason. Here's what my clients have taught me over the years.

People who have not been given "voice" in childhood have the lifelong task of repairing the "self." This is an endless construction project with major cost overruns (much like the "Big Dig" in Boston). Much of this repair work involves getting people to "hear" and experience them, for only then do they have value, "place," and a sense of importance. However, not just any audience will do. The observer and critic must be important and powerful, or else they will hold no sway in the world. Who are the most important and powerful people to a child? Parents. Who must a person pick as audience to help rebuild the self? People as powerful as parents. Who, typically, is more than willing to play the role of power broker in a relationship, doling out "voice" only insofar as it suits him/her? A narcissist, "voice hog," or otherwise oblivious and neglectful person.

"And so it goes. The person goes in the relationship with the hope or dream of establishing their place with a narcissistic partner, only to find themselves emotionally battered once again. These are not "oedipal" choices--people are not choosing their father or mother. They are picking people they perceive powerful enough to validate their existence.

But why doesn't a person leave when they realize they are in yet another self-destructive relationship? Unfortunately, on occasion things go well with a narcissistic partner--particularly after a blowout fight. A narcissist is often expert in yielding just enough "voice" to keep his or her victim from leaving. They grant a place in their world, if only for a day or two. The wish that this change is permanent sustains the voiceless person until the relationship regresses back to its usual pattern.

Ironically, this "repetition compulsion" is hardly masochistic. Instead, it represents an ongoing attempt to heal the self, albeit one with disastrous results. The cycle repeats itself because the person knows no other way of preventing themselves from feeling tiny or immaterial. Voicelessness

I am working hard on stopping myself or at least having the courage to get out and stay out when I have to. The trick here is recognizing what you and the other person are doing. Unfortunately, we survivors do tend to get ourselves into similar situations. Repetition compulsion. Trauma Bonding. We rush headlong into these situations without internal control to stop ourselves. In Israel - it is just a fact of life.

Could their narcissistic 'voice hog' be places like U.N.,or the unforgiving media such as the New York Times, that puts a negative spin on everything Israel does to protect itself? One thing I can say with certainty, PTSD doesn't make us stupid or crazy.

PTSD Symptoms
The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one or more of the following ways:

* Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions.

* Recurrent distressing dreams of the event(s).

* Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening).

* Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event

* Physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event

The individual also has persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by 3 or more of the following:

* Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma

* Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma

* Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma

* Significantly diminished interest or participation in significant activities

* Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others

* Restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)

* Sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by 2 or more of the following:

* Difficulty falling or staying asleep
* Irritability or outbursts of anger
* Difficulty concentrating
* Hypervigilance
* Exaggerated startle response

ORIGINAL

"Individuals with a sense of responsibility for those around them may be particularly vulnerable to guilt feelings. Among this group are individuals in positions of authority (e.g., administrators, supervisors), positions charged with rescuing or maintaining the well-being of others (e.g., police, firepersons), or who habitually feel responsible for others."

When I read about acts of terror is Israel and the constant put-downs the global community heaps on Israel, I get it. Israel is like the abuse survivor - who gets shoved down again & again when she dares to get up and face the abuse head on. The naysayers tell her that she is not helping the peace process but they steadfastly refuse to see that people like Hamas, Hezbollah, the Palestinian Authority and Islamofascists do not want peace.

Israel sees what no one else seems to want to - the playing field is not level. Just as a narcissist or abuser can never give the victim what they so desperately need from them to heal. Muslim extremism and the biased world at large is incapable of giving Israel what it so desperately deserves - peace. These people want Israel's annihiliation.

Again, actions speak louder than words.

How anyone could encourage their child to blow themselves up and other along with them is beyond my comprehension. Yet, there are those who still want Israel to negotiate with people who think teaching children to do this is ok. Jews value life. How can any sort of genuine negotiation take place with persons whose idealogy is so different? In short, how can you negotiate with an abuser or a terrorist? The plain fact is - you can't. You must adopt the defensive stance and protect yourself and those you love.

::Your Personal Survival Kit: Coping in Times of Terror

Ongoing international terror presents all of us with many challenges. Stress, anxiety, short temper and tiredness are common conditions in such a stressful situation. We may feel as though our reservoir of strength is being drained, and this may affect us at our studies, at work and at home. The purpose of this page is to provide you with tools for dealing with this very stressful situation successfully. Obviously these tools cannot change the political reality, but they can change your personal reality and help you get through the threat of terror, or other major stressors, safely. These tools are aimed at helping you become calmer, healthier and stronger.

* Stick to daily routine – Routine creates an island of security in a sea of insecurity. Maintaining routine shows you and those around you that you are strong and resilient. This is your declaration to those around you and to yourself that you are continuing to live and to hope as usual, despite the obstacles along the way.
* Make sure you have a healthy diet, physical exercise and enough sleep – A healthy body is the basis for a healthy spirit. Maintain your health so that your body can help you deal with the situation, and not be another burden you need to deal with.
* Practice relaxation – Daily relaxation can help you deal with the stress and strain of everyday life. The more you practice, the more calm and balanced your body will be. This will have a direct impact on your mood and your peace of mind. Try to exercise once or twice a day, for several minutes each time.
* Talk about your emotions with the people who are important to you – Emotions, like carpets, need to be taken out and aired occasionally. By sharing your feelings and thoughts with others you won't have to carry this burden on your own and you will be able to gain new insights from other people. In addition, you may be surprised to know that other people feel like you do.
* Help others - These might be your parents, your children or friends who need a little encouragement or support. In addition, you can volunteer for work with an organization that suits you. One of the blessed results of helping others is the good feeling that this activity gives you. This way you will also be reminding yourself that you not only have the strength to deal with this situation, but also help others deal with it.
* Devote time to a hobby – Make time during the day for an activity that you enjoy doing: sports, art, music, reading, or hiking, for example, in order to clear your mind. This will help remind you that even in the difficult daily grind there are moments of pleasure, which are worth continuing on for.
* Become an expert - The worst fear is the fear of the unknown. When we know what the situation is, it becomes a lot easier for us to plan how to deal with it. Vague fears can then be replaced by definite goals. Many people find that staying up to date on the development of events through television, newspapers or internet is helpful. Others, however, find that following the media is draining and saps them of much needed energy. Whatever you decide, it is important to keep in mind, here too, that everything should be done in moderation." Trauma Web

The Israel Center for the Treatment of Psychotrauma has a number of programs to help children and adults deal with PTSD and anxiety caused by things such as exposure to the ongoing terrorism. I ask that you visit their website here.

What we who suffer from PTSD want isn't your pity or compassion, we just want you to take one moment out of your day to understand us. We want and we need your validation.

LEARN MORE
The Dart Center for Journalism and Trauma

Gift from Within

ISRAEL: COMBAT TRAUMA


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