There Are Some Who Don’t Say Sorry
I read this story and thought, "wow - I could have written this myself! " It's always powerful to read the inner thoughts of others in emotionally & verbally abusive relationships.
The loneliness and emptiness of being in this sort of relationship is soul crushing. And as this piece below says, 'you don't recognize yourself.' In counseling, I have met at least 25 women who all say the same things, in essence 'I didn't know what I was doing when I was with him. I can't believe I did those things. I was so brainwashed. It just wasn't like me to behave like that.' No, I believe it - I have been there.
Bruises, blood, marks - are easy to see. But the pain inside is invisible... and I can tell you unless your abuser makes REAL & GENUINE amends - you can't heal, you can't move on and it never, ever heals. You adapt, your pain & anger empower you in some ways - but only the abuser "moves on" - hoping you will forget; the way they FORGOT you were a person.
Not happening.
By: Georgia Whistler
Doesn’t he know the rules? He’s supposed to come and beg my forgiveness.
It’s rather disconcerting. No flowers, no lovemaking, no apology.
And he’s still doing it. He’s still able to sap all my energy with a few words and to create that rush of adrenaline that gets my heart pounding in my chest.
I’m indignant. I’m the girl my father said would be the first professional, female, football player. I could kick his ass any day of the week and I still get that damned rush of adrenaline. They should sell a pill for that.
The worst part of it is that I don’t recognize myself. I’m not one to be afraid. When I was just a girl and became afraid of heights, I stood on a bridge every day until I wasn’t afraid anymore. I mean, really not afraid. The kind of unafraid that went rock climbing thirty stories up in the quarries without a rope. I’ve run on the jetty when the ocean was so fierce the waves were crashing over on the other side of it. I’ve jumped across 12 foot tidal rivers, I’ve run through the city all night long, I’ve climbed Mt. Washington three times. That’s the person I know and love. That’s the person I recognize in the mirror.
What happened to me? Was it motherhood? Was it my Christian image of marriage? Was it my imagination?
I think it’s me. No, I know it’s me. That’s what everyone is so scared to admit to. If we say that he’s an abuser, then we’re a victim of abuse. It’s simple, right? It’s black and white, no? It may even give us the excuse we need to leave the sorry bastard, but it’s not correct.
After reading all of the stories and all of the books and all of the blogs, I have not found the answers to my questions.
I have not found out how to move on. I’ve read the forgiveness sh*t, but I’ve never read one from someone that has to deal with the sorry bastard on a daily, weekly, yearly basis. I’ve never read one that convinces me that they have truly and completely found any answers. Submitting to the unfairness of the universe, or to the fact that someone else has been a complete and utter lout gets me nowhere. Blaming the abuse on my parents, identifying the patterns, recognizing the prevalence of it all in all of the relationships in my family, has not brought me one inch closer to the answer.I think that all the lucky ones who have found out how to move on are too ashamed to admit it out loud. Because, I’m realizing, that the answer is to admit responsibility for the whole thing. Not for the things that someone else did to you, but for the fact that you were there to hear them. For the fact that you were in a relationship with someone so vile. For that fact that you let the relationship get to the point where you were married and had a child (perhaps I should change to the subjetive tense here).
I remember the pastor’s speech at the wedding. He said, “I don’t know what you’ve done to get her, but you better keep on doing it.” I always thought that said something about the fact that everyone else recognized that he was a lout. Hell, even I recognized he was a lout, but I was pregnant and I had a dream to fulfill. Same thing with number two. He didn’t mean anything he said, but by that time I was living with him and was too proud to go slinking back to MA with my heart broken into pieces. I had been embarassed enough from the first debacle. I realize now that his words had much more to do with me.
I’ve sat in the court room for the last thirteen years of my life. I’ve seen the most appalling case of abuse. It’s called non-payment of child support and the lovely process of getting some. I’ve seen women who still love the bastard that hits them, tells them they’re bad mothers and that their anorexic bodies are fat. That woman, who makes love to them the day before the trial, is truly sick. She’s a victim that has gone so far into Hell and is so used to the heat, that only God could go in and get her out. But me? My adrenaline comes from another place. It comes from another fear.
Most think that he still has a hold on me. That I’m still madly in love with him and that’s why I’m afraid. But they’re wrong. I never was madly in love with him. I did want him to know me, though. And here’s where it gets interesting. Because I think that it all boils down to ego. His abusiveness keeps insisting that I’m controlling, that all the things that are wrong with his life are my fault, even the things that happened seven years prior or seven years after are my fault. And, because, I loved him and wanted him to love me, I feel the need to correct him. I feel the need to make him see what a decent and loving person I am. How I did everything so that our family could live and prosper and be happy. My ego needs him to know.
And there it is. This has been my surprise. This is why I don’t feel like I know myself. I thought I was fairly ego free. I thought that I was not motivated by self. I have to learn to admit that I am a human with a need for acceptance and for love from the people that I love. And I do still love him, or what he used to be. He’s made a big deal about me admitting it. All the social workers are so intrigued or confused. Why should I say I don’t? He was the father of my child. The man I thought I’d walk through life with. It’s silly to think that love like that disappears. He was no great lover, but I loved him anyway.
I’m glad I’ve discovered this answer. It’s so much easier to get over than being a victim of domestic abuse. And, at last, I once again can recognize myself. I can be proud of such a self. I can not be afraid.
SOURCE
Fake Apologies
The Boomerang Apology ~ This apology is characterized by twisting words so that the apologizer ends up BLAMING the apologizee. These apologies sound something like "I am sorry you feel that way." I am not sure where this type of apology originated, but blaming the apologizee only serves to defeat the purpose of why you are apologizing in the first place.
The Apology Excuse ~ This apology is characterized by the apologizer stating a reason to justify the situation. These apologies sound something like "I am sorry, BUT..." In this scenario, the apologizer uses excuses to justify and rationalize a behavior they knew was wrong when they did it.
The Confusion Excuse ~ This apology is characterized by the apologizer attempting to make the apologizee second guess themselves and the situation. These apologies sound something like "I am sorry, you must have misheard me." With so many of us overloaded with information, we do start to second-guess ourselves, even when we are fairly sure we heard right the first time.
The "Not-It" Excuse ~ This apology is characterized by the apologizer blaming something (or someone) else for the situation. These apologies do not even attempt to use the words "I'm sorry," and sound something like "Well, you know, it is not my fault..." This type of apology is commonly heard when dealing with someone who was supposed to provide goods or services.
True Apologies
In order for an apology to be a true apology it must be sincere and the apologizer must feel at least a small amount of guilt for either the situation or the apologizee's feelings.
SOURCE
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MORE ON THIS SUBJECT:
8 WAYS TO MAKE A NON-APOLOGY
HOW TO SAY I'M SORRY
WHEN THEY DENY US REMORSE & GRATITUDE
DENIAL OF REMORSE & GRATITUDE
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