The 800 Pound Gorilla Amongst Us

Projection, blame-shifting and minimizing, whitewashing or outright denying the abuse. These are three of what I consider to be the WORST OFFENSES an abusive personality or abusive group can do to someone.

And a culture of denial literally rips the very soul and spirit of the person from them at its root.

Here's some explanation (excerpts):

Projecting blame. Abusers often engage in an insidious type of manipulation that involves blaming the victim for their behavior. Such perpetrators may accuse the victim of "pushing buttons" or "provoking" the abuse. By diverting attention to the victim's actions ("they went into it with eyes wide open" or "they are at fault too", the perpetrator avoids taking responsibility for the abusive behavior. In addition to projecting blame on the victim, abusers also may project blame on circumstances, such as making the excuse that stress caused the abuse. Or even that the victim "led them on."

Claiming loss of control. There is a common belief that abuse is a result of poor impulse control or anger management problems. Abusers routinely claim that they "just can't control," suggesting that the abuse was an impulsive and rare event beyond their control. Abuse is not typically a singular incident nor does it simply involve physical attacks. It is a deliberate set of tactics where abusive behaviors are used to solidify the abuser's power in the relationship. In reality, only an estimated 5 to 10 percent of perpetrators have difficulty with controlling their aggression. Most abusers do not abuse others [who have direct authority on their lives], such as police officers, coworkers, or neighbors, but direct their abuse toward their chosen victim or sometimes children. This distinction challenges claims that they cannot "manage their anger."

Minimizing and denying the abuse. Perpetrators rarely view themselves or their actions as abusive. As a result, they often deny, justify, and minimize what happened. For example, an abuser might forcibly push the victim down a flight of stairs, then tell others that the victim tripped. Or that the victim "led them on." Or even that they "never did" or "said that." Abusers also rationalize serious physical assaults, such as punching or choking, as "self-defense." Abusers who refuse to admit they are harming their partner present enormous challenges to persons who are trying to intervene. Some perpetrators do acknowledge to the victim that the abusive behavior is wrong, but then plead for forgiveness or make promises of refraining from any future abuse. Even in situations such as this, the perpetrator commonly minimizes the severity or impact of the abuse.

SOURCE

So... what IS Brad's trouble?

(pinched from the GREAT UppityWoman)