"Getting it Through My Thick Skull"

Mary Jo Buttafuoco's New Book Aims to Help Others Living With 'Sociopaths'

By LEE FERRAN

Seventeen years after she was shot in the face by her then husband's teenage lover, Mary Jo Buttafuoco called her ex-husband Joey Buttafuoco a "sociopath and a liar."

"I believed him when he said he had nothing to do with her [shooter Amy Fisher]," Mary Jo told "Good Morning America" today in an exclusive interview. "He was a very good sociopath and a liar. ...When I thought about it and looked it up on the Internet, and looked at sociopathic tendencies ... I said 'Oh my God.'" Joey filled all the criteria, she said.

In May 1992, Mary Jo Buttafuoco answered her front door at her Long Island home to see 16-year-old Amy Fisher point a gun at her face and fire. Fisher had been having an affair with Mary Jo's husband, Joey, who was more than twice Fisher's age.

Mary Jo Buttafuoco miraculously survived the close range shot but struggled for years as a national spotlight was thrust on the near-fatal love triangle she didn't even know existed until the day she was shot. Fisher, dubbed the "Long Island Lolita," was sentenced to seven years in prison and Buttafuoco's husband, Joey, got four months for statutory rape. The ordeal was made into three made-for-TV movies.

But it's Joey whom Buttafuoco takes aim at in her new book, "Getting It Through My Thick Skull." The title, she said, came from the way her mother always referred to her "thick skull" when citing her stubborn nature, and a joke she made in the hospital about how her thick skull finally served a good purpose.

Excerpt:
Joey Buttafuoco is a sociopath. There, I said it. Sad but true. The man who stole my heart in high school—whose large, hardworking Italian family embraced me, who constantly professed undying love and devotion, with whom I shared a million happy, fun times—is a sociopath. I loved my husband with all my heart, raised two great children with him, and fully expected that we would grow old together in our beautiful waterfront home on Long Island, surrounded by family and close friends. I stood steadfast next to this man, ferociously defending him for years after the infamous shooting by Amy Fisher turned our last name into a worldwide punch line. This same man is also the walking, talking dictionary definition of a clinical sociopath. This was a recent, life-changing realization for me—and goes a long way toward answering the one question that seems to fascinate the public more than any other: Why did she stay for so long? It's clear to me now: I was in thrall for almost thirty years to a sociopath.

Ironically enough, it was our son, Paul, who brought this ­inescapable truth to my attention. Two years ago, on Father's Day 2007, my son and I were discussing Joey's latest ­embarrassing stunt - a highly publicized, entirely fake "reunion" between him and Amy Fisher, in which they held hands, kissed for the cameras, and claimed they were "getting back together." Joey and I were no longer married, but his actions continued to affect us all. I could only shake my head and wonder, as I had countless times over the years, When is he going to grow up? Why is he making such a fool of himself? When will he ever get it?

"Never," Paul said flatly. "He's never going to get it. He's a sociopath."

My first reaction was denial. "Sociopath" is a scary-sounding word. I thought a sociopath was a crazy person, a nut job, someone who couldn't function in society, or a charming but cold-blooded killer. The word has been used so often to casually describe extreme cases - like O. J. Simpson, Scott Peterson, and Ted Bundy - that the true nature and scope of its meaning eluded me. But Paul's calm certainty and the discussion that followed nagged at me long after we moved on to other topics. The word reverberated in the back of my mind for the rest of the day. Late that night, when all our company had gone home, I went to my computer and Googled the words "sociopath traits." In less than a second, up popped a huge list of articles. I clicked on the very first link: "The Sociopathic Style: A Checklist," developed by Dr. Robert Hare, coauthor of "Snakes in Suits", and read this list of traits:

* Glibness and superficial charm
* Grandiose self-worth
* Need for stimulation/prone to boredom
* Pathological lying
* Conning and manipulative
* Lack of remorse or guilt
* Shallow affect
* Callousness and lack of empathy
* Parasitic lifestyle
* Poor behavioral controls
* Promiscuous sexual behavior
* Early behavioral problems
* Lack of realistic, long-term goals
* Impulsivity
* Irresponsibility
* Failure to accept responsibility for actions
* Many short-term marital relationships
* Juvenile delinquency
* Revocation of condition release
* Criminal versatility

There he was: Joey Buttafuoco described to a T. And just like that, the lights went on. This information was the missing piece to an infuriating puzzle I'd been trying to solve for decades: What was wrong with Joey? Why couldn't I fix it? Why was our marriage in such constant turmoil? Why was I continually off-balance and bewildered? Suddenly, I saw my whole life through an entirely new prism. This knowledge was one of the most earthshaking revelations of my life - and, believe me, I've had quite a few surprises along the way.

My son's disclosure started me down a new and fascinating path. Since that night, I've done a great deal of reading, conducted lots of research, and talked to several experts on the subject. This type of personality disorder can manifest itself in a number of ways. Many sociopaths wreak so much havoc that their true underlying condition remains hidden for a very long time, if not a lifetime. Of course, people have affairs and cheat on their spouses every day. Lots of men and women struggle with drug or alcohol addiction. All kinds of adults are irresponsible, or liars, or manipulative, or charming enough to talk their way out of anything. None of these characteristics on their own mean anything other than what's there on the surface for all to see.

But twenty-two years of all of these behaviors in tandem established a pretty convincing pattern. There were plenty of warning signs along the way, if only I'd known what I was looking for. Living with a sociopath disrupts every part of normal life - sex, money, parenting, employment - and I scrambled around for twenty years trying to patch up all of those areas, never once realizing that there was a bigger problem. "Why can't you get it through that thick Irish skull of yours?" was my mother's constant refrain when I was defiant teenager. She bemoaned my thick Irish skull so often that it became a running family joke. My grandfather used to commiserate with my mother when she was at the end of her rope with me: "What's the sense of being Irish if you can't be thick?"

After years of grief and worry, not to mention a bullet to the head, I finally did get it through my thick skull. I'm quite clear about what was really going on with my ex-husband and former marriage. But I might have been saved all those years of doubting myself and hoping against all hope that things would change if I'd just been in possession of the knowledge and information I have now!

This knowledge was so life-changing for me that I decided to write this book to try to help educate others about sociopathic behavior, using my own painful past as a prime illustration of a long marriage to one specific type. The list of sociopathic traits given above is an accurate description of what I lived with for years, and through my recounting of the Amy Fisher circus, plus other, more private moments between Joey and me, I will show you just how insidiously they were put into practice and how well they can be masked - especially when there's a willing victim. This is a key element in the life of any sociopath: a willing partner. Whether that partnership is a long-term relationship or only the passing illusion of partnership projected by the sociopath to further his or her goals, a sociopath is never completely alone. Like the first part of the word (socio, from the Latin socius, or companion) says, the sociopath only comes to power out in society, and their greatest skill in life, beyond any other talent they may have, is the skill to manipulate. For much of my life, I possessed neither the ­insight nor the strength to break that spell.

Apparently, I'm far from alone. I was amazed to learn just how widespread this condition is. Just as there was very little public awareness about autism thirty years ago, or understanding of what attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) meant twenty years ago, the general public doesn't realize how common this untreatable condition really is. Millions of women and men find themselves stuck in relationships they can't fix; heartbroken parents struggle with adult children who suck them dry emotionally and financially; long-­suffering friends and coworkers are continually exploited by those who put them into no-win situations and abuse their kindness. I want everyone to understand what sociopathic behavior is and to bring it to the forefront of America's conscience.

In doing the research for this book, I have had to go back, dig deep, and relive many episodes of my life that, quite honestly, I would much prefer to bury forever. As the months passed and I worked on this project - recalling many painful and humiliating incidents, some buried so deeply that only old headlines jolted them back into my consciousness - my family and friends grew concerned. "Why now?" they asked. "Why rehash all of this seventeen years later?" The answer is simple: by sharing my story, I hope that my experiences will save others from similar heartache. I wouldn't wish marriage or an intimate relationship to a sociopath of any kind onto anyone; my hope is that this book will inspire others to "get it" and get out far sooner than I did. I promise, there is a great new life on the other side!

Mary Jo Buttafuoco said in the book that the realization that Joey is a sociopath was "life-changing."

"I stood steadfast next to this man, ferociously defending him for years after the infamous shooting by Amy Fisher turned our last name into a worldwide punch line," Mary Jo wrote in the book. "This same man is also the walking, talking dictionary definition of a clinical sociopath."

A sociopath is described as someone with an antisocial personality disorder that brings someone into conflict with society and is often amoral and unethical.

In a statement, Joey Buttafuoco said he would prefer to be diagnosed as a sociopath by a doctor, rather than his ex-wife and felt "victimized" by the accusation.

As to why she stayed with Joey until 2003 when the couple finally divorced, Mary Jo Buttafuoco said it was a combination of things.

"It's never one easy thing. Life is not like that," she said. Mary Jo talked about her Irish-Catholic background that she said discourages divorce and how she stayed around to help her children survive the media frenzy the story attracted.

Recovering After Marriage
While their marriage may have ended in 2003, the headlines did not.

In 2007, Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher made a much publicized reunion in which they held hands and kissed, all caught by the media's cameras.

A year later, Amy Fisher was back in the national spotlight when her then-estranged husband Lou Bellara, sold a sex tape of him and Fisher.

Bellara reportedly released the tape because Fisher and Buttafuoco's romantic reunion had happened when Fisher and Bellara were separated, but still married.

In an interview with ABC News in 2008, Fisher called the leaked sex tape "a good thing."

"I mean, unbelievably, you know, a sex tape comes out and the next thing I know, I mean I'm getting offers for endorsements," she said.

Both Mary Jo and Fisher have called Fisher's relationship with Joey a "train wreck."

In the book, Buttafuoco discusses her own journey after the marriage that included a stint in the Betty Ford Center Rehab.

"One of my lowest points was one of the best things," she said of her time at the Betty Ford Center Rehab. There, she learned to live with what she had been through, she said. "It got me stronger."

Following her time in rehab, Mary Jo said she went out on her own and then fell in love with a man.

Now, she said she's "in such a good place."

"What I try to say to people is 'You can get out of these situations and not go back to them," she said. "These are toxic people and they drain you, and you need to move away from them."


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