Standing By Your Sex-Hobbyist -Man; Because It's Your Fault Too?

DISTURBING SYNCHRONICITY

The last couple weeks, one of my children has been in a down-cycle in terms of their self-control and acting out. I've been having many "I love you, but I don't love your behavior" chats. The learning disability in play is making it hard as well as the early onset of puberty, rushing hormones and having a single mother trying to meet all their needs with my precarious health. But I continue to apply as much love and discipline as possible to the situation. That's my job.

I sit down and open my news readers and see what's going on in the world. The first thing that comes to mind when I read is the legal definition of (domestic) abuse:

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behavior used to establish and maintain power or control over a domestic partner or family member. The behavior may include: acts of violence, intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, etc. to coerce and control the other person.

Once again, my work in helping victims & survivors of interpersonal exploitation and non-physical abuse has opened my eyes (perhaps too widely) to see these same patterns going on in World Politics. I have been accused of seeing abuse in everything. However, once you are awakened to the patterns of abuse in your own life - seeing it around you is not only easy, its frightening.

For example:

Israeli Defense Minister Amir Peretz has warned of Hamas' threat in the Gaza Strip, accusing the movement of using a truce agreement between Israel and the Palestinians to continue stockpiling arms, the Ha'aretz daily reported on Wednesday.

"We are definitely doing everything in order to preserve the cease-fire," Peretz was quoted as saying during a visit to the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) Gaza Division on Tuesday.

But Israel has "no reason to turn Hamas' strengthening into a real threat to Israel," Peretz said.

The defense minister did not rule out a military operation in Gaza.

"Every solution that protects the citizens of Israel is possible," Peretz said, adding that if a diplomatic solution does not work out, "we will also conduct military operations."
ORIGINAL

"... if a diplomatic solution doesn't work out?" Um... Hamas, Hezbollah and diplomacy in the same sentence is an OXYMORON, isn't it? How can anyone be diplomatic with tyrants and terrorists? Past behavior is always the best predictor of future behavior. Can someone please answer the clue phone! (Israel, you keep defending yourself!!)

My children do something a lot of children do when I tell them "no." Stomp their foot, hump at me, stomp away or tell me I don't love them or I am a bad mother. So how different is the behavior of the terrorists in the Middle East or the Bush Administration cronies? "I will plead the fifth", "I didn't do it - HE did", "all Jews must die", "no one likes/ loves/ cares about us." Unfortunately time outs and spankings don't work on the latter.

Now let's take a look at these excerpts, hopefully the pattern will be as obvious to you as it was to me:

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality
It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs.

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.

Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not. (if you don't or do... then I/we won't or will)

Quick Involvement
The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she will say they 'can't control themselves' around you because of how 'you make them feel.' He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her. (its those pesky Jews that won't negotiate peace! come on, hurry up with ANOTHER peace accord)

Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation. (How dare you sanction us? You are hurting us by doing so!)

Isolation
The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications. (don't talk to the horrible Israelis, talk to us - we are the Religion of Peace; look they built a fence - they did it to themselves!)

Blame-shifting for Problems
Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. It is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to. (Well, maybe we were wrong but that dang Israel did it too!!)

Blame-shifting for Feelings
The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression. (It's their fault we have to have suicide bombers!)

Hypersensitivity
Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.). (if you don't see it our way, we will say "it's done" and stomp away)

Cruelty to Children
The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. (this one goes without saying. who else would strap a bomb onto a child?)

Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family. (but we want peace!!... kill all Jews and destroy Israel)

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity. (come on, the Palestinians are nice people, badly misunderstood... really)

History of Battering or Sexual Violence
Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur.
(no comment needed I hope)

Threatening Violence
This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". But can also include less obvious threats, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself" or "if you tell so and so and they kill themselves, it will be your fault". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. (again, goes without saying, I hope)
ORIGINAL

Now give a couple moments to read this one:

Battered Women's Syndrome and George W. Bush
I know I'm going out on a limb here. But go with me even if half the population declares that I've failed the p.c. test for professional women Democratic strategists. I'm wondering if our lawmakers and the American people are suffering from some sort of collective "Battered Women's Syndrome or "BWS," as it is known by the good people who study such things--- when it comes to George W. Bush.

George Bush is talking about helping the people of Iran 'flourish,' in the same creepy way that he and his minions promised us cakewalks and flower pedals in Iraq five years ago.

New Orleans is still missing 40% of its population and a heck of a lot of walls, floors and ceilings. Lots of money is missing in Iraq, too, and the walls, floors and ceilings built by Bush's contractors in Baghdad don't seem to be standing up much better than their New Orleans counterparts. But somebody is getting rich from the missing billions in Iraq, and it sure isn't the average Iraqi family, or, come to think of it, the average American family.

So ask yourself this: Why are the members of Congress arguing over the wording for a non-binding resolution to inform the president that they don't like the idea of a surge of troops for a failing military strategy in Iraq? Think of the women you know who should have left a bad situation a long, long time ago. Sound familiar? Pitifully familiar? And why aren't these very same lawmakers making it very clear that any action against Iran taken by this President without the proper debate, intelligence, and approval from Congress will put impeachment right back up on the table for consideration, like, tomorrow?

I've done a bit of research here, so I'm not completely off-base. Plus, I have to disclose that before I was a lawyer and political strategist, I was a public health nurse and my main job was monitoring so-called 'failure to thrive' babies; babies whose weight after birth dropped perilously low. These babies were often parented by ill-prepared, unsupported teenage mothers, too many of whom had relationships going nowhere fast with battering men who got angry over little things like the lost remote control, or, more frighteningly, over the baby's mother's refusal to turn in her coupons for baby formula for the black market coupons-for-beer underground exchange program. When I'd ask these sad young women why they didn't take their babies and leave the men who hurt them and their babies, they'd usually tell me I'd never understand. "No one will love me better," one young girl told me as she closed the door softly against my feet, not permitting me to come in and weigh her ailing baby.

Can you spell "No Self Esteem?"
BWS is characterized by two fundamental premises: a cycle model of violence and 'learned helplessness.' Again, I ask that you go with me: The literature seems to suggest that the cycle model of violence comprises three repetitive phases: tension building; an acute phase in which the assault occurs, and the contrite reaction. When this cycle is repeated over time, it is linked to the undermining of the women's self-belief and is believed to create a situation of 'learned helplessness' whereby the woman feels 'trapped in a deadly situation.'

So, ask yourself: Is Bush's Iran war-mongering, magnified by his spokespersons and the goons in the media who report on dangers from Iran, while ticker tapes under their well-coiffed heads scream out, "Are we going to war with Iran?" sounding like a tension build-up we've gone through before?

Youbetcha.

The tension is building and I wonder just how many times we have to talk about going to war with Iran, arrest and/or kill their citizens in Iraq, move our ships into battle position, and so forth, before an international incident occurs, resulting in what Bush will likely claim was a justifiable assault on Iran. The only part missing from the cycle model of violence in BWS is the 'contrite' part. I think in his toilet training stage or sometime thereafter, President Bush missed the memo on how to say, or act contrite.

Memo to self: Does the man even know what the word, 'contrite,' means?

Following the cycle of violence, of course, the experts tell us that too many battered women exist in a state of 'learned helplessness.' Taking our analogy further, most members of Congress will acknowledge that we don't have the stomach, troops or the money to invade Iran. They might even acknowledge skepticism over the build-up in tension, seeing as how the top 10 reasons Bush et al gave for invading Iraq five years ago didn't amount to a whole lot of beans.

So why are they waiting until the inevitable occurs? Learned helplessness might be one reason. I'm convinced of it.

Postscript on my public health career? Walking past a gauntlet of a dozen or so men and their motorcycles thrown haphazardly on a front yard in a small town in the Central Valley of California, on a sizzling hot day, to visit the second baby of a young couple who was dying from failure to thrive (the first baby having died from malnutrition the year before), I asked the 17-year-old mother where her coupons for food for the baby had gone. She pointed to the refrigerator. I opened it up and sure enough there was no formula, no milk, no eggs, no cheese. There was, however, a lot of beer, traded for the coupons meant to feed the baby, who was now too dehydrated to cry.

On the way to my car, the father, sporting tattoos, a bottle of beer, and a mean streak, stopped me, scaring me not a little, and declared that if I turned him into the protective services' people and they came and took his baby away, and locked him up in jail, he would find me one day at the health clinic and kill me.

I reported that father for child abuse twenty minutes later, and resigned five minutes after that.

Sometimes, the people in a position to stop the violence, like the battered mothers, can't take the necessary steps to throw the bums out because they're just plain helpless. Like the literature says. Or maybe they just love their jobs too much.

Whichever it is, we---the people who, against all odds, elected a Democratic majority in the House and Senate--have got to help the Members of Congress and our military leaders come out of their lethargy to stop the cycle of violence now.

The next generation deserves no less from all of us.
ORIGINAL

I hope I've made my point for the day.