Puzzle Pieces
Believe it or not abuse is hard for me to talk about. Mainly because I have to talk about things that happened to ME. I relate all too well to most of what I hear & read. And I feel stupid for not putting all the pieces together until just a few years ago. I had some pieces right - but not all of them. Part of me just didn't want to admit what was happening. Part of me still cares about a few of my abusers, too.
While I intellectually understand I was raised in an abusive, dysfunctional home that appeared to everyone to be upper-middle class and wonderful on the outside, and therefore had no idea I was being abused until it was too late, I still get angry at myself. Why? Because I had zero problem seeing when others were in trouble or being abused, manipulated, dismissed or put down.
In High School anyone with a problem would end up finding me because I gave such "good advice." Little did they know I was a sitting duck for emotional and sexual abuse that triggered years of repetition compulsion trying to figure out where I went wrong.
I didn't go wrong though. What I did was get caught on a wheel most survivors get caught on:
The thing I did allow was fear. Fear of leaving or being seen as a failure or statistic. As a young person I couldn't just leave. As an adult I stayed because I thought I could make things right. I made every mistake in the book: if I loved more, if I tried harder, it must be me. I exhausted myself trying to be everything to everyone - and now here I am.
I get upset when people say "you're not a victim - you're a survivor." Abuse is not something you should be proud of "surviving."
And one other thing: You must come to grips that a lot of people don't care, don't want to care, don't get it because it never happened to them, or just don't feel like dealing with it. Or they are abusive themselves.
I will advise - if you feel the least bit abused or trapped in a situation. Get help and get out. Don't get sucked back in thinking you can somehow make it right. Don't let anyone tell you its your ego keeping you there. Its your fear. So get up and get out. If you need some help or direction - write to me.
The Most Common Forms of Control an Abuser Uses to Keep a Woman from Leaving
By Hannah
A common thread seems to run through the types of control abusers use to keep a woman from leaving. The most common ones are, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental and or emotional abuse, financial abuse, isolation from relatives and friends, not allowing a woman to work, threats about your kids. Some abusers are especially good at just one, however most abusers if not from the beginning, will eventually get around to the others. Abuse doesn't get better, it only escalates over time, and gets worse.
Most abusers start out with verbal abuse. This can be something as simple as, using four letter words when talking or arguing with you. It can be something as serious as, him telling you your not good for anything, a bad mother or wife, you're stupid, he's sorry he married you, anything that he can say to bring down your sense of self-worth, and self-esteem. He's counting on that if you feel like nothing, you can do nothing, which includes leaving. Most women are eventually convinced after enough verbal abuse, that no one else would want them anyway, so why bother leaving. It is a serious form of brainwashing.
Physical abuse, is probably the most recognized and talked about form of control. His goal is not only to keep you in line because of down right fear, but again to keep you from leaving. Many times a woman is hurting so much physically, the thought of leaving is terrifying. He eventually, if not from the beginning, gets around to telling you if you leave him, he will hunt you down and kill you. Most women believe this, because they already know what he is capable of, even when they're doing exactly as he wants. They can't even imagine what he would do if they left. The leaving time is the most dangerous time for a woman. It is very important if you plan to leave, to know you have a safe place to go.
(IF YOU ARE ON AN AGGREGATOR CLICK HERE TO VIEW THIS SONG)
Mental and emotional abuse is one of the most complicated. He will plays such serious games with your mind. He will say and do anything. One that is really common, is him telling you that you are crazy, and imagined things he said and did. What ever your reality is, he will try to convince you that your wrong. He keeps this up relentlessly, till you start to believe that maybe he is right. (i.e. Gaslighting) You start questioning your own sanity. He will invariably downgrade all your friends and family that you have. He wants you part of his world only. He wants no interference with what he wants you to believe and think. This again is another form of brainwashing.
Financial abuse, and or not letting a woman work, is very important to abusers. In his mind, if you don't have any money, you can't leave. He takes total control of all money, finances and bills. He often puts the woman on an allowance. He watches where every penny goes, so there is no opportunity for you to put any away for leaving. He accomplishes this, with not only stay at home wives, but with a woman who works, and brings home a paycheck. That's if he let's the woman work at all. He doesn't want you having your own paycheck, or making any friends at work. He wants no one in your life that may influence you. It not only drives him nuts that your making money and could afford to leave, but that your somewhere he can't control what your saying or doing.
He isolates the woman from being around her family and friends. He is scared to death someone might find out what is going on. He knows that both your family and friends would try to get you to leave, if they knew you were being abused. He usually degrades them, and tries to convince you their hurting your marriage. He tries to make you believe they don't love you, and want to control your life. Yes, he tries to convince you that everything he is doing to you, is really them trying to do it to you. He wants no interference for the world he is trying to create, and the control over you he is trying to keep.
Last but certainly not least, he uses threats about the kids. He knows how much you love them, and this is his ace in the hole. The most common threat by abusers is that if you try to leave, he will take the kids, and you will never see them again. Can you really take the chance he is bluffing? That's what he counts on, that you do believe him. He may also threaten to hurt the kids, if you don't get in line. This is the most damaging form of control he uses. After all, how many mothers would actually take the chance of leaving, if their kids would be hurt, or if they would never see them again? Not many. Again, that's what he is counting on.
Abuse is obviously a very complicated issue. No one should ever have to be the victims of abuse. However they are. It tears apart not only individuals and families apart, but society too. Our families, are our society. Please, if you believe that any ONE of these forms of control may be happening to you, seek out a counseling professional in your local area. They can help you to sort out whether you are being abused or not. However, my rule of thumb is, if you think you're being abused, you probably are!
click here for original
While I intellectually understand I was raised in an abusive, dysfunctional home that appeared to everyone to be upper-middle class and wonderful on the outside, and therefore had no idea I was being abused until it was too late, I still get angry at myself. Why? Because I had zero problem seeing when others were in trouble or being abused, manipulated, dismissed or put down.
In High School anyone with a problem would end up finding me because I gave such "good advice." Little did they know I was a sitting duck for emotional and sexual abuse that triggered years of repetition compulsion trying to figure out where I went wrong.
I didn't go wrong though. What I did was get caught on a wheel most survivors get caught on:
- We think its us.
- We take too much responsibility.
- We assume we did something to deserve it.
- We give 'the benefit of the doubt' to those who don't deserve it
- We gravite towards people who are selfish, manipulative and covert - and who turn our good nature against us.
- We agree to things out of love, concern or just trying to make others happy - that we would never allow someone else to even consider saying yes to. Things that, if we weren't on the wheel, we'd run screaming from.
The thing I did allow was fear. Fear of leaving or being seen as a failure or statistic. As a young person I couldn't just leave. As an adult I stayed because I thought I could make things right. I made every mistake in the book: if I loved more, if I tried harder, it must be me. I exhausted myself trying to be everything to everyone - and now here I am.
I get upset when people say "you're not a victim - you're a survivor." Abuse is not something you should be proud of "surviving."
You will always be a victim. Being a victim is not a bad thing - don't let anyone tell you not to use that word. Reclaim it - there's power in it.No, that doesn't mean I have "victim mentality" or "martyr complex." It means there will always be holes in your psyche where emotional, sexual or mental vampires took away little pieces of you. You will always be spackling up those holes, knowing the next emotional earthquake will just loosen the spackle and you will have to start all over again.
And one other thing: You must come to grips that a lot of people don't care, don't want to care, don't get it because it never happened to them, or just don't feel like dealing with it. Or they are abusive themselves.
I will advise - if you feel the least bit abused or trapped in a situation. Get help and get out. Don't get sucked back in thinking you can somehow make it right. Don't let anyone tell you its your ego keeping you there. Its your fear. So get up and get out. If you need some help or direction - write to me.
The Most Common Forms of Control an Abuser Uses to Keep a Woman from Leaving
By Hannah
A common thread seems to run through the types of control abusers use to keep a woman from leaving. The most common ones are, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental and or emotional abuse, financial abuse, isolation from relatives and friends, not allowing a woman to work, threats about your kids. Some abusers are especially good at just one, however most abusers if not from the beginning, will eventually get around to the others. Abuse doesn't get better, it only escalates over time, and gets worse.
Most abusers start out with verbal abuse. This can be something as simple as, using four letter words when talking or arguing with you. It can be something as serious as, him telling you your not good for anything, a bad mother or wife, you're stupid, he's sorry he married you, anything that he can say to bring down your sense of self-worth, and self-esteem. He's counting on that if you feel like nothing, you can do nothing, which includes leaving. Most women are eventually convinced after enough verbal abuse, that no one else would want them anyway, so why bother leaving. It is a serious form of brainwashing.
Physical abuse, is probably the most recognized and talked about form of control. His goal is not only to keep you in line because of down right fear, but again to keep you from leaving. Many times a woman is hurting so much physically, the thought of leaving is terrifying. He eventually, if not from the beginning, gets around to telling you if you leave him, he will hunt you down and kill you. Most women believe this, because they already know what he is capable of, even when they're doing exactly as he wants. They can't even imagine what he would do if they left. The leaving time is the most dangerous time for a woman. It is very important if you plan to leave, to know you have a safe place to go.
(IF YOU ARE ON AN AGGREGATOR CLICK HERE TO VIEW THIS SONG)
Mental and emotional abuse is one of the most complicated. He will plays such serious games with your mind. He will say and do anything. One that is really common, is him telling you that you are crazy, and imagined things he said and did. What ever your reality is, he will try to convince you that your wrong. He keeps this up relentlessly, till you start to believe that maybe he is right. (i.e. Gaslighting) You start questioning your own sanity. He will invariably downgrade all your friends and family that you have. He wants you part of his world only. He wants no interference with what he wants you to believe and think. This again is another form of brainwashing.
Financial abuse, and or not letting a woman work, is very important to abusers. In his mind, if you don't have any money, you can't leave. He takes total control of all money, finances and bills. He often puts the woman on an allowance. He watches where every penny goes, so there is no opportunity for you to put any away for leaving. He accomplishes this, with not only stay at home wives, but with a woman who works, and brings home a paycheck. That's if he let's the woman work at all. He doesn't want you having your own paycheck, or making any friends at work. He wants no one in your life that may influence you. It not only drives him nuts that your making money and could afford to leave, but that your somewhere he can't control what your saying or doing.
He isolates the woman from being around her family and friends. He is scared to death someone might find out what is going on. He knows that both your family and friends would try to get you to leave, if they knew you were being abused. He usually degrades them, and tries to convince you their hurting your marriage. He tries to make you believe they don't love you, and want to control your life. Yes, he tries to convince you that everything he is doing to you, is really them trying to do it to you. He wants no interference for the world he is trying to create, and the control over you he is trying to keep.
Last but certainly not least, he uses threats about the kids. He knows how much you love them, and this is his ace in the hole. The most common threat by abusers is that if you try to leave, he will take the kids, and you will never see them again. Can you really take the chance he is bluffing? That's what he counts on, that you do believe him. He may also threaten to hurt the kids, if you don't get in line. This is the most damaging form of control he uses. After all, how many mothers would actually take the chance of leaving, if their kids would be hurt, or if they would never see them again? Not many. Again, that's what he is counting on.
Abuse is obviously a very complicated issue. No one should ever have to be the victims of abuse. However they are. It tears apart not only individuals and families apart, but society too. Our families, are our society. Please, if you believe that any ONE of these forms of control may be happening to you, seek out a counseling professional in your local area. They can help you to sort out whether you are being abused or not. However, my rule of thumb is, if you think you're being abused, you probably are!
click here for original
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