Are You a Victim of Abuse or Do You Know One?

You may be a victim of domestic violence (also known as interpersonal partner abuse) if you have some or all of the following characteristics:

1. Over functioning or overachieving: You may tend to take on more than a reasonable share of responsibilities. You may have a high need to please others. Your abuser's failure to accept responsibility for the abuse forces you to compensate for his/her behavior.

2. Feeling powerless: You may feel as though you have no control over your life. You may be immobilized by fear and feel that you "have to take it." Decisions about family, friends, and activities are based on how the abuser will react.

3. Feelings of guilt or shame: You may feel guilty over failure of a relationship. This is often reinforced by the abuser who blames the victim for all that goes wrong. Guilt over failure may be accompanied by shame for "putting up" with the abuse.

4. Continuous hope: You maintain hope for positive change in the abuser's conduct. Others may try to intervene and tell you that you do not deserve to be treated this way, but you may continue to hope.

5. Previous abuse: A significant portion of abuse victims were abused earlier in their lives within or outside of the family. Many also had parents who were abused by their partners.

6. Decreased self-esteem: You may underestimate your true abilities and level of achievement. Self-esteem is likely to be eroded over time by constant criticism from the abuser such as name-calling, put-downs, and belittling your achievements.

7. Identity concerns: You may lack a firm sense of individualization and autonomy. You live to serve your family and others.

8. Passive/dependent behavior: You may accept the traditional feminine role, often to an exaggerated degree. Your behavior may be reinforced by economic dependency and increasing feelings of helplessness and fear as the abuse continues. You may also be an overly responsible, caretaker type.

9. Self-blame: The abuser blames you, and you may begin to believe it over time. You may accept responsibility for the abuser's actions. Anger turned inward often produces guilt. The abuser may also blame shift making you responsible (in their mind) for the abuse or abandonment.

10. Fear and denial: You may fear the abuser's anger, but you may also deny and minimize this fear. Denial and minimization are common coping strategies for surviving the abuse.

11. Stress: You may have severe stress reactions (headaches, stomachaches, sleeplessness, anxiety, etc.). You may spend an increasing amount of time trying not to make the abuser angry or "walking on eggshells."

12. Social isolation: You may be isolated from family, friends, neighbors, and other forms of support, usually not by choice. The abuser may criticize and blame family and friends.

13. Determination and bravery: You are very empathetic: mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Your determination helps you survive.


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